Tips

It can be fun to get together with your single friends and compare your dating experiences. I blog about it, and when I was single, bad dates provided some pretty great ideas for posts!

But after a while, all the awkward and disappointing dates can get you down, especially when you commiserate with friends. In fact, you might be at the point where you don’t want to get together with friends at all, because the date bashing sessions can feel tired or depressing. You might wonder if dating is this way for everyone, or if there are any good men left.

Well, don’t worry – with over 50% of the American population who are single, and many more around the world, you can meet some pretty amazing people. You just have to keep perspective, which can be hard to do if you keep revisiting dating problems with your cynical friends.

There are different ways that your friends can influence your thinking and overall outlook on dating:

They stereotype.

Be careful of anyone using language like “all men are players,” or “nobody is looking for a serious relationship.” These blanket statements aren’t true, and worse, they are influencing how you think about your dates.

What you can do instead:

Approach every new person as a blank slate – assume nothing. Instead of believing your friend’s advice that men on Tinder are only looking for casual sex, take a different attitude. There are plenty of guys out there looking for relationships – you just have to put it out there that you are, too. If you're not finding it on Tinder, try a different app, or take a class, or join a running group. There are so many ways to meet new people - take advantage.

They encourage you to join in the rant.

It might feel good to get those bad dates off your chest, but then what? Usually, you all leave feeling a little more cynical about your dating prospects.

What you can do instead:

Rather than joining in the men-bashing, try thinking of positive things to say about the men in your life who you love, like your brother, cousin, or a good friend. It’s important to remember that dating is a process, and you’re not going to click romantically with everyone. But that doesn’t mean the men you date are bad people – they just aren’t for you.

They get quiet if you have a good date.

Did you have a good date, but nobody wants to hear about it? Or maybe they pick your date apart, looking for what’s wrong. Either way, this is not a good feeling, and can kill that good first date buzz.

What you can do instead:

Try mixing it up with your single friends and invite a friend or two who are in happy relationships. Sometimes it helps to get a little perspective. Dating can be exciting, too when a new relationship is starting to bloom. It's good to remember that it’s okay to be excited and hopeful. Yes, you might get hurt, but you also might find love. The risk you take is always worth it.

Each year, the majority of break-ups happen just before the holidays. There are many people hurting right now over lost love, and wondering how to get over their pain.

The truth is, healing takes time and patience. There are no short cuts, as badly as we might want them. But if you allow yourself to go through the process of mourning and letting go, you can move on to healthier relationships. Many people get stuck in the grieving process, wanting to move on quickly by jumping from relationship to relationship or closing themselves off from emotional intimacy with a new person.

Don’t let this happen. There are ways to deal with a break-up that lead to a much healthier, happier you. Here are some steps to take to work through the pain:

Exercise, be active. Interestingly, moving our bodies physically can help us become emotionally unstuck, even if getting up from the couch is the last thing we want to do. When you are feeling sad and lethargic, try doing some yoga poses, going for a walk, or even jumping rope. Movement helps release endorphins, and helps lift depression.

Journal. So you’re not a writer – it doesn’t matter. Get your feelings out on the page. And don’t blog about it; treat yourself to an old-fashioned paper journal that you won’t be sharing with anyone else, so you can really lay out your pain, vulnerability, and relationship issues. There’s something healing about personal journaling when you are working through pain that helps clear things up.

Lean on friends/ family. There’s no shame in asking for help when you need it. Call up a friend to go for a walk with you, or a family member to cry it out. We’ve all been through heartache – and it helps to release with people you trust.

Meditate. Meditation isn’t just for Tibetan monks or hippie chicks in Santa Cruz. It’s become very popular lately for very good reason – it works. Meditation helps calm your mind so that emotions don’t take over – it helps you work through pain, release it, and create a more peaceful existence. If you’re not sure what to do, there are plenty of apps and online tutorials – try Deepak Chopra, Oprah.com, or the apps Headspace or Synchronicity, which provide short guided meditations.

Rediscover yourself. Have you been part of a couple so long you’ve lost track of what you really like? Are you looking for a new routine, a new hobby, or a change of scenery? Now is the time to explore. Clear the slate and start anew – whether that means redecorating your house, picking up a new hobby, visiting a new place, or cutting your hair and getting a fresh look. Trying new things opens up our world, and helps us find those things that make us happy. It’s a step in a new direction, towards a new life.

Lisa Hoehn is an expert in the art of online dating. Her website, ProfilePolish.com, specializes in giving undateable profiles a much-needed makevoer so you are still you – just a better-sounding, better-looking version. The kind that actually gets dates.

In her new book, You Probably Shouldn't Write That: Tips and Tricks for Creating an Online Dating Profile That Doesn't Suck, Hoehn shares her best advice for creating a sought-after digital dating presence. Not only does she reveal the mistakes you probably don't even know you're making, she also offers step-by-step guidance to correct them.

Read on for 5 of her best online dating tips.

1. Pick your username carefully. Most of the time, potential suitors will ignore it. But if it's really awesome – or really terrible – they'll notice. Hoehn's biggest username no-no's include: sexual references, too many numbers, obvious bragging and your last name (because you don't need to be Googled by someone you've never even met).
2. Ban bad photos. It's more important to have good pictures than to be good-looking. Your photos should paint you in a flattering light while offering insight into your personality and lifestyle. Images that are blurry, small, dark, grainy, edited, outdated and – worst of all – don't even include you – need to be nixed.
3. Use the English language (or whichever one you speak) properly. Sloppy grammer and spelling mistakes are instant attraction killers. Hoehn also advises against including too many exclamation points, overusing emoticons, typing in all caps and adding hashtags.
4. Watch your words. Certain subjects just don't belong in your dating profile. Don't insult a group of people. Don't mention your ex. Don't be blatantly sexual (unless you're using a service specifically for that). Don't talk about money or your medical history. Don't say you're looking for a “new beginning,” a “fresh start,” or something “drama-free” – because what you're really saying is “I come with a lot of baggage.”
5. Don't go overboard. If you're one of the rare specimens who actually enjoys filling out a profile, resist the urge to pen a novel. Don't wax poetic about your favorite subjects (no one cares). Don't use too many lists. Don't make sweeping, corny romantic statements (it's cheesy and you're definitely jumping the gun). Don't share so many details about your life that there's nothing left to talk about on a date.

For more top tips from Lisa Hoehn, pick up a copy of You Probably Shouldn't Write That: Tips and Tricks for Creating an Online Dating Profile That Doesn't Suck at Amazon.com.

Have you ever followed up with a date over text, the flirty banter going back and forth for a couple of weeks, when suddenly it tapers off? Or maybe he disappears altogether? Before you wonder what you might have done wrong, or what might have happened, it’s time to set the record straight about texting.

Texting is fun and flirtatious. It is a great, low-maintenance way to keep the fire burning if you and your date had some chemistry together. But many of us feel too comfortable behind the screen – to the point where it actually hinders real relationships, and interferes with our romantic life.

Texting is not a substitute for dating. We need that real in-person connection in order for something to grow. When you text or message someone, sharing flirty banter or even more personal thoughts, it feels like you are growing closer. But texting and messaging don’t help you develop a relationship – they create a false sense of connection. In fact, if texting is your barometer for how well your relationship is going, you’re going to be completely misled.

When someone really wants to pursue a relationship with you, they want to see you in person. They want to set up dates. Flirting over text might be part of the fun, but it is only part of it. If a man you are seeing is only communicating with you over text, no matter how charming he is, he isn’t really interested in pursuing a relationship. If he was, he would be asking you out.

You deserve a real-life relationship.

Consider the last relationship you had that was great over text, but fizzled out quickly. There could be any number of reasons this happened. Texting might be a fun way to pass the time for the object of your affection, or a distraction from thinking about an ex, or even a Plan B in case the other person he’s interested in doesn’t pan out. It can also be a quick ego boost. Whatever the case, it doesn’t make a difference. The fact is, there isn’t a chance for a real relationship to happen if your main interaction is through text.

Instead of relying on your texting chemistry after a good first meeting or date, it’s better to see what happens on a second date, or a third. Don’t just assume that texting will eventually get you to the place you want in a relationship. Let your dates know what you want. Ask him or her out. Don’t accept anything less than real-life interaction – there is no substitute. If someone keeps putting you off, claiming they are busy, or only texts you to hook up at the last-minute, move on. They aren’t the right relationship for you.

Are you looking to overhaul your dating life in 2016? Tired of the Tinder swipes that go nowhere, the endless text messages, the so-so dates that bore you to tears?

There’s no reason to feel powerless in your personal life. While the timing of meeting someone special isn’t under your control, making changes and switching things up is totally within your control. And sometimes, we all need a little push in a different direction to really make things happen.

So for the New Year, following are five dating goals to set – and habits to break to help you find someone special:

Express gratitude. Sometimes, we all need a reset button when it comes to attitude. Many of us get frustrated after a few bad dates, or being single for longer than we’d like, but we shouldn’t. There are so many things to appreciate right now, no matter what you might feel is lacking in your life. Start a gratitude journal if that works for you, but be mindful every day for 30 days of what you love in your life – what you are thankful for. This exercise really works. It can shift your attitude about your life from lacking to fulfilling, which definitely is more attractive to others when you are dating. Plus, you feel more fulfilled and hopeful yourself.

Go out more. Are you glued to your screen, swiping left and right? Maybe it’s time to meet people old-school style – by going out and introducing yourself. Many of us have forgotten how to make conversation, how to meet new people without the help of texting. Now’s the time to practice those skills – so say yes to parties, networking events, and going out with friends of friends.

Curb the texting and messaging. Instead of developing your new relationship over text, hoping it goes somewhere meaningful, try asking someone out IRL instead – sooner rather than later. Many of us get emotionally invested in online communication, developing a fantasy about who the other person is, only to be disappointed when you do finally meet in real life. So next time, ask him out sooner and drop the texting back and forth.

Own what you want. Do you want a long-term, serious relationship? Do you long for something more than a hook-up or a casual arrangement? Then own it. Let your dates know what you do and don’t want. Don’t make assumptions that everyone else is casual and so you must be, too. You have the right to want more. So don’t accept less than what you feel you want.

Commit to online dating. Yes, you should still go out more. But you should also expand your options. If you gave up on online dating, try again. Or pick a new dating app. Let a friend help you with your profile pictures. Do whatever works for you – but try some online dating, and really commit to it. Don’t let a few bad dates get you down. You never know when or how you’ll meet the right one.

If honesty is the best policy, is there an optimal time to divulge your most personal information?

Even at the best of times, “The Talk” can be a touchy subject. Maybe you want to date exclusively. Maybe you have wedding bells on the brain. Maybe you're just ready to disclose a weird hobby or an annoying habit.

Whatever talk you're ready to have, it's a sensitive situation and tricky to get the timing right. To shed some light on the murky topic, online dating site Zoosk polled more than 5,000 users to get their thoughts on having uncomfortable relationship conversations.

The big question on most daters' minds is this: when is it ok to define the relationship as exclusive or nonexclusive? According to Zoosk's survey, almost half of men believe it's important to define the relationship within the first few dates. Only a third of women agreed. Forty-nine percent of female users wanted to wait until after the first few months of dating to discuss exclusivity.

As far bigger commitments go, 56% of men and 54% of women consider six months an appropriate time to talk about marriage. Note: the marriage talk in question isn't about marrying each other or picking out color schemes. This conversation is just about whether you aspire to get married at all.

Zoosk also asked users about disclosures earlier in the dating process. Their research found that response rates to the first online dating message increase if the following words are used: vegan, pets, allergies. On the other hand, response rates decrease with the appearance of these words: vegetarian, virgin, rich.

In that initial communication, more men (32%) than women (28%) say they would disclose if there was something unusual about them sexually. However, the majority of men (52%) and a significant number of women (41%) say they would prefer to remain in the dark about their date's number of past sexual partners.

On or immediately following the first date, 70% of men say they would be upfront if they are seeing other people. Sixty-two percent of women say they would do the same. Past partners, on the other hand, are a subject better saved for later dates. Nearly half of men and women say they do want to discuss former relationships and recent breakups, but only after a few weeks of dating.

For more about this dating service please read our review of Zoosk.