Breaking Up

When you’re online dating, it’s important to be realistic about who you are and what you want. It’s also important to know when you’re carrying baggage along from past dates or relationships.

But let’s face it - it’s hard to be objective about our love lives. After all, our experiences shape our world. If we encounter people who don’t treat us well, or who take advantage or betray us, or otherwise disappoint, we start to look for evidence in each new person of how they might let us down, too.

This kind of emotional baggage is something all of us have. Whether it stems from the break-up of a long-term relationship or a series of potential partners letting us down, we can carry those hurts along with us. We make them part of our story. And we do our best to avoid engaging with these types of people again. Or at least, we try.

File this one under “Cool Or Creepy?”

It’s no surprise that Facebook gathers a lot of data about its users, but what is surprising is the conclusions the site can draw by interpreting that information. Of course Facebook knows when you’re “Single,” when you’re “In A Relationship,” or when “It’s Complicated,” but it turns out the social networking site actually knows a whole lot more than that about your love life.

Facebook data scientist Mike Develin works on the site’s search function, studying how people use it, what they’re searching for that isn't available, and how to make it more useful. Along the way, Develin and his team noticed some intriguing romance-related patterns.

It starts with a period of courtship. On Facebook, ‘courtship’ means messages are exchanged, profiles are visited, and posts are shared on each other's timelines. During the 100 days before the relationship starts, there is a slow but steady increase in the number of timeline posts shared between the future couple. The peak is reached 12 days before the relationship begin, at 1.67 posts per day

At “Day 0,” when the relationship officially begins, a couple’s Facebook interactions start to decline. Presumably because they are now spending more time together in person, the happy couple feels less need to communicate online. The lowest point is 1.53 posts per day, reached 85 days into the relationship. Along with that decrease in Facebook interactions comes good news about the content: the interactions may be fewer, but they also get sweeter and more positive. Warm fuzzy feelings are dramatically on the upswing after Day 0.

On the not-so-warm-and-fuzzy side is the breakup data. The research team also took a look at couples who split up and got back together, and documented the saga on their profiles. The maximum, Develin reports to USA Today, was a couple who went in and out of a relationship 27 times in one year. Yikes. It’s a good thing Facebook also found an increase in private messages, timeline posts, and comments from supportive friends during tough times.

What all this means is that horoscopes won’t accurately predict lasting love any time soon, but Facebook might. "We have such a wide-ranging set of data, including on places there may not be data on otherwise," Develin told USA Today. And because Facebook knows so much about its users’ authentic identity, there is very little territory its researchers couldn’t explore. The patterns they identify could be instrumental in mapping human interactions and proving or disproving theories about relationships. 

For more on how to use this social network to find dates you should read our Facebook review.

Jennifer Lopez recently admitted to online magazine YourTango that she doesn't like being alone, and she's owning that about herself. She was unapologetic in her declaration. Many people feel the same way, even though we may not want to admit it.

Being alone is a scary prospect. Maybe you are independent in some ways, like in terms of your career or financial status (as is Jennifer!), but when it comes to relationships you can't picture yourself single for any significant period of time. In fact, the thought of not having someone to turn to in the middle of the night - lacking a partner's support - might make you panic.

Do you jump from relationship to relationship? Do you avoid breaking up with someone who isn't right for you in order to avoid being alone? Do you demand too much, too soon from new relationships because you miss that feeling of intimacy?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, the thought of being alone probably frightens you. Are you willing to let these thoughts go, to change your attachment to relationships? Maybe jumping from one relationship to the next isn't serving you, and is leaving you feeling more desperate and alone after each break-up. But it doesn't have to. You are in more control than you think. You have the power to choose to love someone because you want to love him, not because you need to have love in your life.

It's time to turn those feelings around, so instead of acting out of fear, you'll be standing on firmer, healthier ground. When you are in a better place you will have an easier time finding the right person. More importantly, you can feel safer that you will find the right person instead of another Mr. Right Now. You can feel more secure.

First, I ask you to do these exercises. When you're head and heart are in a more supportive space, you can make better decisions about who to love:

Practice gratitude. Daily reflections on what you have in your life right now can shift your thinking. Often, we're so focused on what we want that we neglect to acknowledge all we have. But it's just as important. List five things every day that you are grateful for.

Understand you are whole. You don't need someone else to be "complete." You are a perfectly whole, capable, loving human being. Instead of assuming that you have a "better half," concentrate on all that you are right now.

Rely on your support network. Friends and family are invaluable, so don't forget about them when you're thinking about a new love. They provide support when we're low and between break-ups, and they are there to celebrate with us, too when good things happen. Cherish them.

Pursue what you love. Instead of focusing on a new relationship, think about other areas of your life where you can experience something new. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? Do you want to start painting again? Nourish activities you love, which can be fulfilling, too.

Everyone agrees that dating requires a lot of confidence. However, ending an old relationship - no matter the circumstances - can drain you of confidence rather quickly. If your last relationship wasn’t “successful,” you think, why should the next one be? What if the last several relationships haven’t worked out - is there a pattern? What should you do?

There’s nothing wrong with a little self-reflection; indeed, it’s possible that in the past there was a negative pattern in the relationships you chose. But self-reflection is not the same as beating yourself up, nor should it be. Sometimes relationships simply end. Often there’s fault on both ends. The fact remains, whatever the circumstances, you will never be in that exact relationship again.

Think about that statement: Every relationship is unique, a combination of two unique individuals and a very specific time and place, so you will never be in that exact relationship again. Thus, you can take away a lesson you’ve learned, but you will not be able to use that relationship as a template for the future. It doesn’t matter if the next relationship is your first or your fiftieth; everyone enters the game with varying communication skills, innate intuition and experience, but to a certain extent, everyone is also starting fresh, with a clean slate.

Your new partner is an entirely different person, and you may need to learn new methods of communication or affection. You’ll form new jokes and new familiarities. Some aspects may be similar to past experiences, but others will be utterly new.

That’s the key to dating: starting back at the beginning is not bad, nor is it a sign of failure. It’s a fresh start, a new chance at love, the beginning of a unique experience. And perhaps most importantly, you’re not alone in doing so: everyone who’s ever been in any relationship, including all successful ones, started at the beginning. Regardless of the way your last relationship ended, that’s worthy of hope, optimism, and, yes, confidence.

An acquaintance, “Rick,” recently found himself in an awkward situation. After having ended a years-long relationship, he’d begun dating someone new, and he really liked her. After dating the new girl for a month, he felt ready to introduce her to friends and family, at a low-key gathering where someone else was the focus.

Or so he’d thought. Midway through the party, Rick found out that all the whispering was about him and his new date. The verdict? Though the girl was lovely, everyone was more interested in the fact that she was apparently the “spitting image” of his ex. Rick thought he’d comfortably let go of his baggage, but now his family was throwing him into a spiral of uncertainty: was he more attached to the memory of his ex than he’d thought?

In reality, it’s actually more likely that the friends and family were the ones who were having problems letting go. For years, Rick had been in a relationship with one person; he was part of a pair. They were literally used to seeing him with one other, specific face. It’s human nature to attempt to spot patterns; chances are Rick’s support system would have found something they found similar, whether it was body type, hair color, smile, personality, or some ephemeral quality that didn’t even exist.

On the other hand, it’s also possible that Rick’s new flame does bear some resemblance to his ex. However, this doesn’t mean he’s still attached to her, or that he’s having problems letting go. Many people do have a physical “type” to whom they’re inherently attracted, and there’s nothing wrong with that; maybe it’s hardwired, or maybe it’s a way of identifying those with whom they’re most compatible.

If Rick’s new girlfriend does resemble his last one, it’s entirely possible she also resembles the one before that, or his favorite movie star, or the comic character he crushed on growing up. It probably says more about Rick than his last relationship.

The important thing to note about Rick’s experience is this: until it was brought to his attention, Rick wasn’t thinking of his new match as a replacement for the last one. He wasn’t viewing her as a clone. In this relationship, the only views that really matter are those of Rick and his new love. Eventually his friends and family will see the new girl for her unique qualities, but more importantly, Rick already does.

I've talked about what to do after a break-up when your heart is hurting. It's a time for healing, finding yourself again, and learning how to move on.

Break-ups can be devastating, but what happens when you're on the other side of things - when you want to do the breaking up? Maybe a long-term relationship just isn't working for you anymore. But how do you know if breaking up is the right thing to do when the friendship is important? And how do you break up with someone you care about without looking like a jerk, or worse, wondering if your ex will hate you?

First, it's important to understand that not all relationships are meant to last. Sometimes they are learning experiences, which isn't a bad thing. They help us find ourselves - without hurt and loss, we don't realize how strong we can be. We don't grow.

But breaking off a long-term relationship is a difficult process. After all, you've spent holidays and birthdays together, you know your partner's family, you know intimate details about him, like how he has to wash his face three times before going to bed or that he leaves his socks in little piles around the house. You share the same friends. How do you even begin to separate from each other's lives?

These are difficult questions that only you can answer. All I can say is, if you don't wake up in the morning excited to be with your partner, or you'd rather spend time alone than have dinner together, you're probably not in the right relationship.

Many relationships start out with passion and romance, but these don't last. If you're constantly chasing passionate love, you might want to take a look at what you're doing and ask yourself if it's making you happy. The basis of a good relationship is very simple: if you enjoy being together despite your fights, your problems, and your differences, then you're probably in the right relationship. If you'd rather find the next plane out of town regardless of whether or not you hit a rough patch, then you're probably with the wrong person.

Don't stay in a relationship because you don't want to disappoint your partner. If you're not emotionally invested, then you're not doing yourself or her any favors, and you will both end up hurt and resentful.

Breaking up isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person. Sometimes it's the best thing. Let her move on and find someone else who is right for her. And allow yourself to move on, too.