Breaking Up

So you're back in the game. Whether you're freshly out of a relationship or hitting the field after a stretch on the sidelines, retuning to the dating world can be overwhelming.

Not only will you feel like you've forgotten how to socialize, you'll be confronted with fancy new tech “the kids” are into that you don't understand. What is that “swipe right” nonsense, anyway? Back in your day, phones were only good for making calls and serving as paper weights.

It's time for an online dating crash course. Here's what the newly single need to know:

1. Don't be obsessed. You're back on the market! You're looking forward to meeting new people! It's exciting! But don't let that excitement turn into obsession. Check your account once or twice a day. Logging in 10 times a day is not a good look, nor is responding to a message immediately after you get it. Slow your roll and play it cool.
2. Toss expectations out the window. The person you're looking for could totally be out there, but you're probably going to meet a lot of not-that-person first. Don't be discouraged if you don't find the love of your life right away. Even people who seem perfect on paper (er...screen) may fall short when you meet them in person. Just chalk it up to experience and move on.
3. Don't become penpals. Message chemistry and face-to-face chemistry aren't always the same thing. Some people have good message game but can't translate that connection into real-life conversation. The sooner you meet someone in person, the sooner you'll know whether you're actually compatible. Don't get sucked into a long exchange of messages before setting up the first date.
4. Choose the first date wisely. No dinner. No movie. No long walk on the beach. No nothing that requires a serious investment of time or energy. Save that for the second date after the first date goes well. If you're meeting for the first time, stick with coffee, a drink, or something else similarly short-lived. If there's no click, you want to be able to end the date. Imagine how awkward it would be to sit through a 4-course meal with someone you have nothing in common with.
5. If it's not working out, be honest. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's nice of you, but that doesn't mean you should bail on dates with excuses about a friend emergency or your oven being left on. Your fib is almost always transparent, and your date will probably feel even worse. Be kind but honest: “It was nice to meet you, but I'm not feeling this.” You'll find that, in the long run, honesty is less awkward and more empowering.
6. Remember that most first dates will also be last dates. That's ok. We date to find out more about what we want and need in a partner. Those lessons are important. Every date you go on gets you closer to the person you actually want to be with. If you're not into a date, or they're not into you, say thank you and move on with your confidence intact.

And last but not least, have fun with this. If you’re not enjoying it, what’s the point?

Let's not sugar coat this: there few things worse than the end of a relationship. If you breakup with your SO, find out your goldfish died, and then realize you've run out of ice cream, then yes, you're having a truly terrible day and have my deepest sympathies.

But barring that unexpected car crash of unfortunate events, a breakup is about as bad as it gets. Being in a relationship takes a lot of effort, even if it isn't a very long one, and at the end it feels like your energy is totally tapped out. Then you think about the fact that you have to start the process all over again with someone new, and becomes twice as exhausting.

People don't just hop up and run marathons. They train, slowly, until they're in good enough shape – both mentally and physically – to take on the challenge.

Adopt the same strategy for your post-breakup plan. There's no rush, but you do need to put conscious effort into the process or you'll never cross the finish line. Here are 3 exercises to add to your breakup personal training program:

1. Spend time dating yourself. After the chaos of a breakup, you need peace, quiet, and time to regroup. It's easy to lose sight of who you are in a relationship that isn't working, so use this time to recover your sense of self. Treat yourself to the things you love, whether it's brunch, bike rides, cooking classes, or trips to museums. The goal is to remember how great your own company is and regain a solid idea of yourself as a single individual. Once you've got that down, you'll be ready to let another person in and feel more confident about doing it.
2. Find the fun in flirting. If you're just getting out of a relationship, your flirting muscles probably haven't been exercised in a while. They're bound to be a little stiff, and as the marathon runner from earlier knows, stiff muscles need to be carefully stretched. When you have the opportunity to put your flirty feelers out, do it. Don't expect anything in return – being overly attached to a specific outcome is a good way to set yourself up for failure – just enjoy the fun of working muscles that have been dormant.
3. Be social. Ben & Jerry are good dates for a limited amount of time, but pretty soon they'll be hurting instead of helping. Grab your friends and get out, whatever “out” means to you. It can be an afternoon of picnicking in a park or a wild night of partying – either one, or anything in between, is helpful as long as you're putting yourself in social situations. Bonus points if you start talking to strangers in addition to your friends.

Suddenly 26 miles doesn't seem so hard, does it?

Benjamin Franklin famously said that the only certain things are death and taxes. These days, a third inevitability should be added to the list: breakups.

They're an unfortunate fact of life, even now when we're wrapped up in the joy of the holiday season. Perhaps especially during the holiday season, when the pressure's on and stress is running high. Online dating app Clover decided to find out once and for all if the holidays are prime time for breakups, and their answer is...

Yes.

Sigh.

It's a downer, but it does appear December spells doom for a number of relationships. Clover analyzed data from 150,000 of its users, and found that there’s a whopping 300% leap in Clover sign-ups from people who are already in relationships during the month of December. Of those people, most are women – 33% more than men, to be precise. 6% of women who sign up during the holiday season are already attached, compared to 4.5% of men.

What's even more interesting than the gender gap is the correlation Clover discovered with income. A person is 2.5x more likely to seek a new relationship during the holiday season if he/she earns less than $60,000 per year. Clover offers no potential explanation for the phenomenon, but Bustle suggests that it could be because “most people making under $60,000 tend to be younger than those making over $60,000, which means they’re probably less inclined to 'settle down.'”

If you know a breakup is in your immediate future, you have a major decision to make. To breakup pre-holidays or post-holidays, that is the question. If you wait until after the festivities, you risk feeling like you livied a lie, but avoid the serious potential for awkwardness or loneliness. If you end things before the holidays, you won't have a sweetie to spend them with but you'll have the confidence that comes from knowing you faced the decision head-on.

Either way, remember that singlehood – before the holidays, during the holidays, and at any time after – is hardly a terrible fate. In fact, dating isn't always all it's cracked up to be, as these dating disasters will remind you. A read through a few tales of infidelity, ill-timed Facebook updates, and dual identities should be all the proof you need that spending the holidays single isn't so bad.

Besides, then you don't have to share the eggnog.

Wondering if you should try online dating? Before you craft your profile, a new study by Michigan State University and Stanford found that people who met online weren’t as likely to stay together for the long-haul as those couples who met offline.

As it turns out, online dating sites who have been touting their matching success rates may not be telling the whole story. Many couples have successfully gotten together thanks to online dating, but that doesn’t mean they have lasted. The separation and divorce rates for folks who paired up online was much higher than for those who met their partners offline in more traditional ways.

According to the report, 8% of married couples who met their spouses online reported to have ended their marriage in separation or divorce, compared to approximately 2% of married couples who met their spouses offline. And compared to 23% couples who had met offline, 32% of couples who had met online had broken up in the following year of the survey.

Are they or aren’t they?

Or, more importantly, are we or aren’t we?

Relationships have always been a guaranteed source of stress, angst, and all manner of other unsettled feelings, but dating these days is more unstructured than it's ever been and the anguish is even worse in our age of ambiguity.

Whereas once upon a time dating followed a relatively set path, now we're all pretty much running around blindfolded and hoping for the best. From friends with benefits, to long term live-in partners that are anxious about making the leap to marriage, our commitments are fuzzier than they have ever been before. This is especially true for younger generations, who often fear using the terms "relationship" or "dating." “We’re hanging out” is as committed as it gets.

But why this sudden urge to remain ambiguous?

One theory is that those in their 20s and 30s are the first generation to grow up witnessing mass divorce. Having watched their parents split, they may carry a legacy of insecurity with them and avoid intimacy in order to cope with it. They may also simply feel that relationships are too risky a proposition.

On the other hand, the rising incidence of narcissism that researchers are seeing amongst the younger generations may also be to blame. If we are increasingly focused on ourselves, we may also be increasingly likely to reject the responsibility of caring for someone else.

There's also the fear of rejection, which has plagued every generation since the dawn of dating. Throw in online and mobile dating, which allow people to test the waters from behind the safety of a screen, and it's no wonder we feel safer with vague intentions and minimal commitments. The ease of shopping for potential partners via digital means, plus the greater social acceptance of diverse romantic arrangements and the disappearance of clear labels, have all added to the dating confusion.

Initially, ambiguity in such a bad thing, but as a relationship continues, it becomes difficult to navigate. Constant ambiguity comes with certain risks. One person may feel more committed than the other, but may be afraid to bring it up for fear of pushing their partner away. The result is a whole lot of insecurity and time wasted with someone who ultimately isn't seeking the same thing.

That ambiguity is also extending into our breakups. More and more people are having sex with their exes, and far too often one hopes the inconclusivness means the relationship is rekindling while the other just wants a temporary hookup in the interim until they find someone else.

The question now is: will we develop new rules to govern our age of ambiguity? What will they be?

Dating is full of clichés, and online dating is even worse. If I see one more person who describes themselves as “fun” or says they like “hanging out with friends” (or, God forbid, that they like “candlelit dinners and long walks on the beach”) I am going to throw my laptop out the window in a fit of rage. Could you possibly be any more boring?

Most online clichés should be ignored, but there’s one overused online dating phrase that’s worth paying attention to: “no drama.”

Yes, it sounds incredibly annoying and to be honest I would probably never date someone who used it. That being said, I do think it has value. We all like to complain about the drama others bring into our lives, but when was the last time you stopped to ask yourself if you’re the reason there's drama in your relationships? If you find yourself in bad relationship after bad relationship, it's time to face the music: the common denominator is you.

Next time you see an online dating profile that says drama queens need not apply, ask yourself a few questions:

• Are you ready to have fun? If a new relationship is coming directly on the heels of the previous one, you may not have given your self sufficient time to heal. On the other hand, if it's been forever since you last dipped your toes in the dating pool, you might be feeling totally lost. Getting back into the swing of things means being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sometimes you’ll be rejected. Sometimes someone you're interested in will simply disappear. Sometimes a date will go totally haywire. If you're not ready to face every eventuality – and have fun while doing it - there's a good chance drama will follow.
• How confident are you? Dating isn't always easy. In fact, it can be downright brutal. Things will happen that will make you forget how totally awesome you are. The minute your confidence takes a hit, you start behaving in ways that sink it even further. Low self-esteem leads to neediness, to dependency, and to attention-seeking behavior. When you don't feel good about yourself internally, you'll find yourself desperately seeking external validation. None of this is healthy. None of this is attractive. And all of it = drama.
• Have you fully moved on from your last relationship? Hello, drama central! One of the easiest ways to doom a relationship is to enter it before you're ready. It’s never smart to start dating right away after the end of a relationship. It might feel like a fix, but that fix is only temporary. You’ll end up dragging the baggage from the previous relationship over to the new one, dooming things with your new date from the very beginning. When a relationship ends, stay single until you're ready to date again with confidence, happiness, an open heart, and absolutely zero ex drama.