Breaking Up

By now you've probably read – or at least heard about – Vanity Fair's recent takedown of online dating. The lengthy article is essentially an obituary for traditional courtship, which writer Nancy Jo Sales says is long gone thanks to online dating sites and mobile apps.

Tinder responded with a very public Twitter meltdown and tongues have been wagging about the state of modern dating ever since. Some agree with Sales, while others believe it's simply moral panic and anyone who hasn't jumped on the Tinder train is probably just too old to understand it.

The good news is, a growing body of scientific research is dedicated to online dating and the social change that comes along with it. The bad news is, even the scientists can't seem to agree with each other.

A 2012 study called “Searching for a Mate: The Rise of the Internet as a Social Intermediary” found no difference in relationship quality or strength between couples who met online and couples who met off. It also suggested that marriage and partnership rates may increase, as people with smaller pools of potential mates use dating services to cast wider nets.

Another 2012 study, headed up by Eli Finkel, concluded that most matching algorithms don't work. However, it also noted that “Online dating offers access to potential partners whom people would be unlikely to meet through other avenues, and this access yields new romantic possibilities.”

A 2013 study on marital satisfaction and breakups deemed online dating an unequivocally good thing. The research was sponsored by eHarmony, which rightfully has given some readers pause, but was reviewed by independent statisticians prior to publication.

A second study from 2013 examined sexual behavior and the “hookup culture” supposedly propagated by apps like Tinder. After examining a nationally representative sample of more than 1,800 18- to 25-year-olds, the study concluded that today's youth aren't substantially more promiscuous than previous generations. In fact, they may actually be having less sex than their predecessors.

Things got weird in 2014. Using the same data from 2012's “Searching for a Mate” study, a Ph.D. candidate at Michigan State came to the opposite conclusion about online dating and relationship quality. According to her findings, online daters are more likely to date than marry, more likely to break up faster, and more likely to break up more often.

How could two studies using the same statistics arrive at such different conclusions?

The answer is something we've always known: love is messy, contradictory, and confusing. Try quantifying that and you're bound to be disappointed.

Colonoscopies. Stepping on a Lego. Accidentally drinking spoiled orange juice.

A lot of things are more fun than being rejected. When you muster up the courage to ask someone on a date and they turn you down, it hurts. You laid it all on the line, got told no, and at least for a second wanted to swear off dating forever.

Take a deep breath. Rejection will never be a cakewalk, but there are healthy ways to react when you hear “no” that keep your dignity, and your friendship, intact.

• Keep calm and carry on. Don't get angry or lash out, in the moment or afterwards, no matter how much you want to. It's not someone's fault if they're not interested in you, and it's not your fault if you have feelings for them. In both cases, it's just the way it is and no one owes anyone anything. Take time to yourself if need be, then come back to the friendship when you're ready to accept the situation.
• Avoid “over it” overkill. Friendship is a shaky thing after rejection. You don't want to act like you're still into them, but you also don't want to go out of your way to show how “over it” you are. Acting like you're better off is childish, potentially hurtful, and may come off as intentionally trying to provoke jealousy. Take the high road.
• Address the awkwardness. There's no way to avoid it – being around someone when you both know how you feel is uncomfortable. The best way to make that awkwardness disappear is to acknowledge it. It's ok to say things are still a little weird. You'll probably both agree, have a giggle about it, and release some of the tension. Remember: we mostly take cues from each other, so if you act awkward around someone, they're more likely to act awkward around you.
• Actually be a friend. Yes, the best way to keep a friendship intact is to keep being a friend. That means no holding onto false hope, no rudeness when they start seeing someone new, no constant reminders of your feelings, and no schemes to get them to fall in love with you. You are just friends – act accordingly.

One of the best ways to handle rejection is to go into it with the right mindset. Before asking someone on a date, set appropriate expectations. Keep your hopes and emotions to a reasonable level. Remember that rejection is almost never a reflection on who you are. And at the end of the day, you still have a friendship worth cherishing.

Rejection isn't easy to take, but dishing it out isn't a walk in the park either. Most of us aren't out to hurt feelings or break hearts, so when it comes time to let someone down gently, we really do want it to be gentle.

If you're unprepared to be asked out, your response can be awkward or unintentionally hurtful. If it's already happened, well, these tips won't help much. But keep them in mind so you can handle things like a pro next time.

• Obey the golden rule. Treat others how you would want to be treated. A “no” that sounds offended or disgusted is a harsh response. Unless the person is intentionally being offensive or disgusting, try to remember that it takes courage to approach someone and that they did so because they think highly of you. Keep your tone polite and calm, while still sounding assured.
• Don't drag it out. Although you do want to handle someone's feelings with care, honesty is the best policy. If you know you're not interested, say so swiftly and directly. Agreeing to a date out of pity, being unclear about your intentions, or remaining silent to avoid confrontation only lead to more hurt down the road. Give a definitive answer so both of you can move on with your lives.
• Make it about you. Yes, turning down a date really is an “It's not you, it's me” situation. If you choose to offer an explanation for your “no,” keep it focused on yourself. No one wants to hear a list of reasons why they don't measure up. Use "I" statements instead. Think “I don't feel that connection between us” or “I'm not looking to date someone right now.”
• Don't keep them on the hook. When you turn someone down, make sure they know it's final. It's important to be kind, but being overly sympathetic or friendly can backfire. Don't give hope when there's none there. It should be clear that your “no” isn't a “not right now” or “let's see where things go” or “keep trying until I say yes.”

When the conversation is happening online, the rules are a little different. Although kindness and clearness are both still encouraged, online dating offers more wiggle room. Most people reach out to as many possible dates as they can, so they're unlikely to be strongly invested in any single one.

If all they do is send you a “Hey or a “What's up?” a response probably isn't warranted at all. If they've written a more detailed message, a polite-but-firm sentence or two is all you need. Wish them good luck and call it a day.

Have you gone through a painful break-up? Chances are, you want to take some time off from romance before you start dating again. It takes time to heal, as well as a lot of self-love and acceptance of being on your own. Grief, pain, and anger are not easy emotions to process.

Sometimes we divert our emotional struggles by hooking up with random strangers, or jumping into the next relationship right away, before we’ve had a chance to process our feelings and move to a healthier emotional place. This is especially hurtful if your ex moves on quickly – making you feel like he “got over you” without effort while you are still struggling.

Rest assured, you are not alone. Your ex might be hiding his feelings behind another relationship where he will likely make the same mistakes. Don’t try to copy him. Your life is your own, and it’s up to you to claim it for yourself.

If you’re looking to start dating again, here are some tips to help you:

Take your time. Break-ups are difficult and emotional – don’t assume you can move on effortlessly into your next relationship without taking some time to decompress, let go, and embrace your single life. We all must learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else. Don’t mask your pain with jumping into the next exciting encounter, hoping to avoid your own grief. It’s okay to grieve. You owe it to yourself to process your feelings and move on to a healthier relationship.

Know Your Own Needs. When you’ve been in a relationship long enough, you may start to confuse your wants and needs with your partner’s. Or perhaps you’ve been a couple for so long you don’t even know yourself as an independent person anymore. Now is the time to shift your thinking – to be selfish. To try new things, see what you love. This is the way to discover what it is you’re really looking for – to look outside of a relationship first.

Spend time with friends. Friends help remind us of who we are, and provide a safe place to fall. Don’t be afraid to reach out, your friends will be there for you.

Have a little fun. If you want to date, it’s time to have a good perspective about the process. It can be grueling and defeating at times, but it can also be surprising and joyful. This is the time to head in to it with no expectations – to learn about other people, to see what dating is about, to have a little fun. Don’t take it seriously, and don’t look for a relationship right away. Again, this is the perfect time to experiment - take your time, and enjoy the ride.

Let’s face it – dating today is elusive. People are meeting new potential dates all the time with the popularity of dating apps like Tinder and Grindr. It’s no wonder that commitment is hard to come by – even for just one date.

Have you ever experienced the “fade” in dating – some call it ghosting – where the person you’ve been seeing suddenly disappears with no reason or explanation? You might have thought things were going great. Maybe you were looking forward to the concert you were going to invite him to, or perhaps you were fantasizing about a future relationship. After all, he was really into you, or so you thought – why not get excited?

But then, inexplicably, your texts and calls went unanswered. Maybe you only went out a few times, but you were starting to get emotionally invested. It’s only natural to want an explanation – to understand why this person you thought was so interested didn’t choose you.

But think about it – you’ve probably been on the other side of this relationship, too. Maybe you started dating someone and it was fun for a while, but you decided as time went on that you really weren’t into that person. Or maybe you decided you didn’t want a relationship that quickly – that you’d rather keep dating. Or maybe you weren’t over your ex and your date had become a nice distraction. Unfortunately, you weren’t as into him as he was into you.

Did you pull the fade on him?

If you’ve only been out a few times, or you never really established what your relationship is, then it’s difficult to know what to do when that person disappears. After all, you weren’t “together” – at least not in any committed sense. So what’s the problem, and why are you so upset over a relationship that wasn’t “real”?

The problem with this thinking is that it’s misguided. Even if you haven’t had “the talk” with someone you have dated, if you have developed feelings, then it can be just as devastating as a real break-up. This is why it’s important to not pull the fade.

Instead, honor and respect the person you’ve been dating by letting her know you aren’t interested in a relationship. It might hurt to be blunt, but it will help the other person move on more quickly and easily. After all, wouldn’t you want to know?

It’s important to be clear in this age of elusiveness in dating. It will create more open and honest relationships in your life. Don’t pretend to be friends or continue to hook up with someone you aren’t interested in. Make a clean break. Allow him to move on, too.

Here’s the scenario: you’ve been dating an incredible guy – kind, funny, smart – and it seems the two of you have hit it off. You imagined your future relationship – taking vacations, moving in together. You’re smitten, and it seems he is, too. However, he told you that he broke up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before you met. He claims he’s over her and wants to see where your new relationship is headed, but you have your doubts.

His confession has put a damper on your relationship, or at least how you feel about it. Maybe he’s telling the truth – that he has moved on – but you have a nagging sense that you might be a rebound for him.

How do you know for sure? Are there signs?

The development of any relationship can be tricky – there are no guarantees, which is why you have to take your chances from time to time if you feel the desire to be with someone, to see where the relationship goes no matter what. This could be one of those times to take the risk and put your heart out there – it is up to you to decide.

While it’s important to throw caution to the wind, it’s also good to pay attention to warning signs. Here’s how to tell that he might not be over his ex:

He pushes your relationship forward faster than you want. There’s nothing wrong with a man who is excited about you. But if he wants to charge ahead when you would rather take things a bit more slowly, he might be avoiding his own grieving process. Every broken relationship requires healing time – he might have done this while he was in the relationship, but maybe not. If he’s serious about you, he will respect your timeline without feeling the need to get serious so quickly.

He is hot and cold. Does he sweep you off your feet one day, and retreat into silence the next? If you have a hard time keeping track of his moods or when you can reach him, he’s obviously distracted. This likely means he’s still dealing with the pain of losing his old relationship, or that he is scared to move on to a new one with you – and possibly get hurt again.

He is set in his relationship ways. It might be difficult to notice right away, but pay attention to his habits when you are with him – for instance, does he communicate with you, or just tell you what he wants to happen? Does he criticize your taste in decorating or how you cook because it is different from what he’s “used to?” Does he assume you want to do the things he wants to do? If he is already carving out your place in the relationship, it’s a red flag that he is trying to recreate his past relationship. Start from a new place and compromise, or consider that he might not be ready for a relationship.