Communication

Online dating is evolving along with daters’ preferences. We have grown used to the idea of using technology for our personal lives, with more people online dating than ever (thanks to the rise of dating apps like Tinder).

The dating landscape has changed, even in the last few years. There is new technology of course, but there is also the growing number of singles (which consist of more than half of U.S. adults over age 18), and the fact that young adults are waiting longer to marry. So college isn’t the place you’re likely to meet your life partner – instead, it’s more likely going to be online.

With so much changing and so many singles out there, why is it still so hard to find the right person, or even to get a date from a few back-and-forth texts?

The answer might be simpler than you think. There have been several studies in recent years about our ability to make decisions, especially when we are given a lot of choices. Much like wandering into a candy store when you just want a bite of something sweet, your mind can be immediately overloaded with all the different types, brands, and flavors – so that you almost become paralyzed by the choices and unable to make a decision.

A study was conducted a few years back, where a group of people were given a choice between a few different brands of laundry detergents and asked to pick which one they’d buy. With only three or four choices, they tended to read the labels of ingredients and decide which was best based on content. They were also generally pleased with their choices.

The next group was given dozens of choices of laundry detergent. Researchers discovered when there were more than a few choices, people didn’t take any longer in making a decision - they were too overwhelmed and didn’t read the labels at all. The majority chose which detergent they would buy based solely on what the container looked like, and didn’t look at the ingredients. In fact – they were basing their decisions purely on superficial “looks,” because it was easier than trying to get to know all of their choices.

It’s no wonder we feel a bit ADD when it comes to dating, and that apps like Tinder have taken off. When we are given too much choice, it’s easier to just look at the photo and make an impulsive decision – yes or no - rather than think about what we really want. We don’t get to know people before deciding we aren’t interested in a date or even a drink. It’s too easy to think “there’s probably someone even better” while we are swiping, so we don't think twice about standing someone up or refusing to text them back.

Maybe it’s time to focus on one date at a time. Maybe we should start saying yes more often - instead of no.

Online dating is all about first impressions. After all, there’s a big pool of daters out there – if someone doesn’t interest you or work out from the start, there’s plenty more to meet! You might think - why waste time with someone who didn’t text back right away, acted nervous throughout the night, or canceled your first date three times? No thanks!

But what happens when you are the one who wants a do-over?

Sometimes, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. But if you do, it’s important to own your mistakes – and try to improve upon them. I’ve provided two real-life examples, though some of the details I changed for privacy’s sake:

Drinking Disaster

Jessica met Ryan over Tinder, and they immediately hit it off. After a few drinks Jessica was feeling bold and started flirting heavily, something she usually doesn’t do. Then she leaned in for the kiss, biting down hard on his lip. He was wondering what to do as his mouth started throbbing. Jessica suggested taking off to her place, but not before she fell over trying to get down from her barstool. She made it outside before throwing up. Ryan helped her to a cab and sent her home by herself – and the whole experience turned him off Tinder for a while.

Two weeks later, he got a text from Jessica apologizing for her behavior and asking if she could get a second chance. “I didn’t really see the point, but we did have good chemistry so eventually I agreed. I needed to find out who she really was.” This time, she didn’t drink and took her time instead of giving in to the chemistry. Two months later, they’re still dating. He was able to look past her initial behavior after he got to know the real Jessica.

Questionable comment

Stacey saw Jake’s picture on an online dating site, and decided to contact him. They had a few exchanges, but something he said in passing really bothered Stacey so she stopped communicating. When she went back to the same dating site a few weeks later, he still popped up as one of her matches, so she decided to give him a second chance. After rescheduling their date three times because Stacy’s work got too busy, Jake was annoyed, but still agreed to meet her. When they did meet, they clicked.

After talking to him in person, Stacey realized that she had misunderstood Jake initially because she had taken his online response the wrong way. If she hadn’t given him another chance to prove himself – and if he had given up on meeting her after cancelling so many times – they never would have connected and fallen in love. His good heart won her over, and they have been dating ever since.

Have you turned someone down because of a first impression? Maybe it’s time to give someone a second chance.

Single Man, Married Man – a new book written by a group of men specifically for single women – proclaims to offer brutally honest advice for women who are looking to get hitched.

The book has outraged many feminists, and for good reason. Some of the advice offered in the book includes this as fact: “all men” want to get married – if they tell you otherwise, they are “lying.” Another piece of advice from one of the book’s single authors: “No matter where a woman is in life, she should always be able to cater to her man’s needs.” A divorced co-author advises that when a man gets his ego stroked, he will be more inclined to love you.

The book also offers reasons why a man you are dating isn’t taking the relationship to the next level – namely, that it’s your fault. One author writes: “It takes a lot to hold their attention, and men tend to lose interest in romantic partners when they stop being, well... interesting.”

In other words, women need to start giving more massages, complaining less, and stroking their guys’ egos a lot more often. Then they will more likely convince their men to put a ring on it. (Speaking of Beyonce, one of the writers even suggests keeping Destiny’s Child’s “Cater 2 U” on repeat on your playlist).

The book is certainly gaining a lot of attention in the press because of its apparent sexism, and its authors maintain that it is “brutally honest” because they want to help women. Two of the main authors spent three years interviewing more than 300 men online and in person to arrive at their conclusions, so they stand by them.

So what does this mean? Should women take a step back and consider catering more to the men in their lives? Or should the guys who authored this book admit that creating a controversial book would help them sell more copies?

The truth is, no matter how many people you interview, or how much research you do, or how many coaching sessions you conduct, dating is still mysterious and fickle for everyone. Some tactics work with some people, others don’t. Some people have chemistry together, others don’t. You can’t force a relationship to move forward if that’s not what it is meant to do. There are no tricks. Dating is much more nuanced and individual. Blanket advice of how each gender should behave doesn’t really move the conversation – or the dating scene itself - forward.

So as much as we take dating advice from many sources, we should also be discerning. If something doesn’t feel right to you, pay attention. If you’re working too hard to try and “make things work” with your current love, maybe it is time to let go. To find out more about the book "Single Man, Married Man" you can check out the authors website.

A recent article in the Boston Globe discussed the disappointing journey of online dating. Many single people start the New Year off by setting an intention to find a partner – so they sign up with an online dating site. And after a few weeks or even months of effort, they are exhausted and ready to throw in the towel on dating altogether.

In other words, they are burned out from dating.

If you’ve ever done online dating, you will know what dating burnout means. Often, when you sign up with a new dating website or download a new app, your expectations can be high that this time it will be different. This time you can meet someone special. But then, after a few bad experiences or lack of chemistry or matches, it’s easy to become frustrated and think that online dating will never work.

Online dating is tough if you aren’t finding the right person, but should you always point your finger in blame when things don’t work out? There are more singles than ever in the U.S. – roughly 50% of all adults, so it’s not that there are “no good ones left.” But if you are experiencing dating burnout, it is hard not to believe it.

It’s important to look past all the bad experiences, and try to start each date on a clean slate. This isn’t wishful thinking, it’s what is required if you want to move from a negative place to a more positive place – because the first rule of dating is that you attract people of the same attitude to you. How can real chemistry happen if you aren’t willing to approach a new date with fresh eyes, even after a hundred bad dates?

I’m not saying dating is easy – far from it. But nothing in life worth having is easy. Nothing really valuable comes because we can order it off a menu, or a dating app. Instead, it comes from the work we put in. It comes from our mistakes, which help us to learn what works and what doesn’t.

If you want a true partner, it might happen through online dating, and it might not – but you have to be ready to wipe the slate clean each time you meet someone new.

So online dating isn’t the problem. If you want your dating life to change, you first have to examine yourself and see where you might be holding back from others, or how much you might be judging. Not everyone is going to be Mr./Ms. Right, but you will have a better time when you let go of what you can’t control (other people) and take control of what you can (you).

Peace and love for 2015! 

There’s something many people don’t want to admit to their dates, because they equate it with a character flaw or weakness; but the truth is, many daters are shy.

Introverts make up a significant portion of the population, and chances are, you will meet a few introverts if you date long enough. Unfortunately, online dating doesn’t lend itself to shy types. It requires real action, attention, and bravery. It pushes us outside of our comfort zones. (Actually, so does any kind of dating.) And it’s especially difficult for introverts to muster the courage to flirt or ask someone out.

But if you want to find love, it is necessary. Unless you think a hot stranger will appear at your doorstep to whisk you away, dating is an essential process to finding a long-term relationship, and it’s not easy. It’s better to face this challenge head-on than retreat in fear because you’re shy. Remember, many of your dates are going to be shy, too – so don’t feel like you’re the only one.

Following are some dating tips to help overcome your fears:

Widen your social circles. Instead of retreating into your safety zone of close friends and family, dating requires you to meet new people often – at least until you find someone you click with. If you feel uncomfortable online dating, try widening your social circles bit by bit. Get to know a new co-worker, or the person next to you in Zumba class. Make new friends within your circles, because they could introduce you to potential dates.

Rejection isn’t personal. But being shy prevents many people from connecting, because when you’re shy you hold back. You don’t want to put yourself out there for fear of rejection. But you have to also look at dating as trial and error – if someone doesn’t click with you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It means that there isn’t a connection. Don’t beat yourself up, and don’t stop. What counts is that you’re trying (like everyone else), so keep going.

Expand your comfort zone step by step. Instead of hiding behind your insecurities, it’s time to push yourself a little bit outside of your comfort zone. Take small steps. Accept invitations to parties and local singles events, and invite your outgoing friend to help introduce you to people. Strike up a conversation with the person in line next to you at Starbucks, even if you’re not interested. Every little bit of practice builds your confidence.

Use your assets. Not all of us are smooth talkers, or good flirts, or are good at introducing ourselves to strangers. Instead of listening to all the advice about how to approach people, try striking up a conversation by doing what you do better than most – actively listening! Then ask thoughtful questions. Getting to know someone takes you a lot further in dating than having a good pick-up line.

Happy dating!

Did you make out with your boss at the company holiday party? Or hook up with the guy in the next cubicle after a happy hour? Or maybe you have secretly been pining for a hot co-worker who you don’t know well, except for brief flirtations over Snapchat or Whisper.

If any of these scenarios make you squirm a little in your chair, you might be grappling with the age-old question of – should I or shouldn’t I? – when it comes to dating a co-worker.

It’s easy to understand why people would form romantic attachments to their fellow colleagues and bosses. After all, you spend most of your days with them, you work on projects together, and you bond over coffee breaks and happy hours. They are in a sense like another family. But what happens when you cross that line and start entering relationship territory, even if it’s all in secret from your other co-workers?

Following are some things to keep in mind before you take that next step:

Stay away from the hierarchy. If you are interested in your boss or a subordinate employee, you are treading dangerous ground. Most company policies have rules against this, because it can lead to unfair workplace advantages (or at least the perception of them among the other employees). Instead of throwing caution to the wind, look elsewhere – for another love interest or another job.

Understand the consequences. This might sounds harsh, but if the relationship ends, do you want to keep working next to your ex? Do you want to hear about his new relationship? If you can’t handle the idea of seeing your ex on a daily basis, then you might want to reconsider the relationship.

Think of career ambitions. Are you willing to quit your job and find another? Sometimes when office relationships don’t work out, it can mean problems for your career. If you’re in a specialized field with limited job opportunities, it would be better to look outside of work for a relationship.

Does the relationship have long or short-term potential? You might be in the heat of passion, but this doesn’t mean it’s good for you in the long run. Maybe you worked for hours together on a project and it created intimacy between you. It’s hard to let go of that – but ask yourself: do you have other things to talk about besides work? Are there other areas of your life that intersect? This makes all the difference in its success. If you are only caught up in the heat of the moment, it will pass. So choose your moves wisely.