Communication

Here’s the scenario: you’ve been dating an incredible guy – kind, funny, smart – and it seems the two of you have hit it off. You imagined your future relationship – taking vacations, moving in together. You’re smitten, and it seems he is, too. However, he told you that he broke up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before you met. He claims he’s over her and wants to see where your new relationship is headed, but you have your doubts.

His confession has put a damper on your relationship, or at least how you feel about it. Maybe he’s telling the truth – that he has moved on – but you have a nagging sense that you might be a rebound for him.

How do you know for sure? Are there signs?

The development of any relationship can be tricky – there are no guarantees, which is why you have to take your chances from time to time if you feel the desire to be with someone, to see where the relationship goes no matter what. This could be one of those times to take the risk and put your heart out there – it is up to you to decide.

While it’s important to throw caution to the wind, it’s also good to pay attention to warning signs. Here’s how to tell that he might not be over his ex:

He pushes your relationship forward faster than you want. There’s nothing wrong with a man who is excited about you. But if he wants to charge ahead when you would rather take things a bit more slowly, he might be avoiding his own grieving process. Every broken relationship requires healing time – he might have done this while he was in the relationship, but maybe not. If he’s serious about you, he will respect your timeline without feeling the need to get serious so quickly.

He is hot and cold. Does he sweep you off your feet one day, and retreat into silence the next? If you have a hard time keeping track of his moods or when you can reach him, he’s obviously distracted. This likely means he’s still dealing with the pain of losing his old relationship, or that he is scared to move on to a new one with you – and possibly get hurt again.

He is set in his relationship ways. It might be difficult to notice right away, but pay attention to his habits when you are with him – for instance, does he communicate with you, or just tell you what he wants to happen? Does he criticize your taste in decorating or how you cook because it is different from what he’s “used to?” Does he assume you want to do the things he wants to do? If he is already carving out your place in the relationship, it’s a red flag that he is trying to recreate his past relationship. Start from a new place and compromise, or consider that he might not be ready for a relationship.

A recent article in The Daily Beast brought up a question that has floated around the online dating community for a while – that is, how do you handle seeing someone you know on an online dating site or app?

For example, have you ever been matched with a co-worker on OkCupid? Or with an ex boyfriend on Hinge? Or with your engaged friend on Grindr? Or even your sister on Tinder? (Yes, this has happened to a few daters.)

Many people have experienced this strange mingling of their real lives and their online dating personas, but have different emotional reactions. While some might be mortified to be matched with a client or co-worker, others take it in stride as part of the online dating experience. Chances are, you are eventually going to run into someone you know if you swipe long enough. So the question becomes: how do you handle it?

In the case of being matched in a potentially awkward situation (say, with your co-worker), would you swipe right out of acknowledgment that you know each other (and the other person has probably already seen your profile on the dating app)? Does this send a confusing signal since you aren't interested? Or would you swipe left and hope that neither one of you brings it up at the next staff meeting?

While online dating might seem like meeting endless random strangers, it really is a lot closer to your existing circles than you might suppose. In the case of co-workers, it might be a good idea to decide what makes you more comfortable – having a good laugh about matching with each other at the next staff meeting, or swiping left and pretending you never saw each other on Tinder in the first place.

Dating apps are making it easier to reject potential matches without the other person knowing if you’ve even seen their profile. If you swipe left, the other person isn’t alerted – they just won’t be able to view your profile. The potentially awkward situation results from that person swiping right before you have had a chance to swipe left.

Some dating apps are addressing this problem by allowing users to filter out people they know in advance of being matched. OkCupid is rolling out some new features by the summer, one of which allows users to hide their profile by default, only to be seen by someone they actively “like” or message. OkCupid users will also have the option of using a Facebook account to block any of their friends that are also on OkCupid.

But does the real problem lie in potentially being matched with a client or your ex, or is it that people you know can see that you are single and looking for someone online? As far as we’ve come with accepting online dating, people can’t seem to get past its stigma. Maybe it’s time we all agree that our world is getting smaller with technology, and now is the time to accept our connectedness. After all, maybe your co-worker is a good match.

Read our Tinder review for more information on this popular dating app.

Most of us know Gandhi’s famous quote: “Be the change you want to see in the world” – but how many of us practice these words of wisdom, especially when it comes to dating? More often than not, instead of seeing what we can change in ourselves, we are looking at our dates – judging and criticizing and wanting them to change.

Let’s face it – dating is rough. It requires patience, persistence, and a positive outlook. Again and again. And while you might feel more patient than Mother Theresa, it’s the part about persistence and keeping a positive attitude that’s hard to maintain. When we complain about how we’re not meeting any “good” men or women, or that people behave badly, or that online dating doesn’t result in a long-term relationship because it’s all about hooking up, we are perpetuating the stereotypes.

Dating doesn’t have to be fraught with bad behavior. It doesn’t have to be so hard. We just need to shift perspective a bit. You can’t control other people, but you can control yourself – your attitude, your outlook, your emotional reactions.

That said, you can start by looking at your own habits and where you can change. While you might think you’re the perfect date, chances are there’s room for improvement. If you’re not enjoying yourself, then why not see where you can change? Following are some small shifts to make to help change your perspective on dating from negative to positive:

• Be courteous to all your dates. Emma Watson was recently interviewed about her dating habits, and she thinks men and women should hold doors open for each other and both sexes should offer to pick up the tab. If we all are treating each other with respect and kindness, it makes the experience of dating a little better for everyone.
• Really listen. There’s nothing worse than trying to have a conversation while competing with someone’s phone. Social media and work emails can wait. Leave the phone off the table for an hour. Pay more attention to details. See what you can learn from the person sitting across from you, instead of obsessing over what else might be going on that you’re missing.
• Be curious. Everyone has a story. Even if you don’t see a romantic future in front of you after the first five minutes of meeting, ask questions and engage. People can be fascinating and multi-layered. What you see on the first date is only the tip of the iceberg. You never truly get to know someone if you don’t maintain a sense of wonder and curiosity about getting to know them.
• Cultivate your own sense of self. Being single is a magical time – you have the freedom to pursue whatever you want - to pursue your passions no matter how impractical, like learning Italian or kite surfing. Work towards a career goal. Travel. The more experiences you have, the more you get to know yourself, and the more you have to share with a future partner. This time is all about you – so enjoy it while you can!

Think you’ll have a better chance of meeting a new love through friends rather than Tinder? According to a recent survey by website Mic, you’re probably right.

Mic, a news website catering specifically to Millennials, decided to get to the bottom of dating apps and online dating to figure out how people in relationships are actually meeting. As it turns out, for all the buzz of Tinder – (and good news for the online-dating averse) – more couples have met through friends, work and in real-life social situations as opposed to over the Internet.

Mic surveyed more than 2,300 people between 18 and 34 years old, and it turns out, the vast majority of them – almost 39% - met their SOs through mutual friends, despite being part of the Tinder/ dating app generation. The next largest group – 22% of respondents - met through real-life social situations, such as at parties or bars. Eighteen percent met at work. When it comes to online dating, less than 10% of respondents met this way, and less than six percent met through social media. (Although to be fair to social media, this is quite extraordinary, considering it hasn’t been around nearly as long as online dating has.)

The latest Pew study reveals that online dating is gaining acceptance among the masses - 59% of Americans now believe that this is a good way to meet someone. But apparently, the majority of folks still aren’t meeting their next relationships that way.

There is a reason most people still prefer to meet through friends. Having the endorsement of someone you like and trust goes a long way, especially in the dating market where bad behavior is part of the experience. It’s like a little insurance policy against meeting someone – a total stranger - who might end up being hurtful or even dangerous.

This is evident in the dating app world, where meeting strangers online is commonplace. However, the fact that most apps have some type of verification through social media – for instance, requiring users to have a legitimate Facebook profile before being able to use the app – shows that there is a desire for validation before agreeing to a date. Some apps have taken this process a step further, connecting people online only through mutual social media friends (as with Hinge), or being an invitation-only app, such as with The League.

So what does this mean for the next generation of online daters? Dating apps and online dating are definitely here to stay – but it looks like the technology will keep gravitating towards mutual connections, either through social media or in real life.

Singles in the US are feeling totally emojional.

The days of the regular ol' smiley face are long gone. America has upped its emoticon game and we're officially living in the Age of Emoji.

Match.com is back with another installment of its annual Singles in America study. This year, they surveyed a nationally representative sample of over 5,600 US. singles aged 18 to 70+ years and one of 2015's hot topics was emoji use.

“If you had asked me a year ago what I thought of emoticons and emojis, I would have said they are fun and entertaining, but I probably wouldn’t have thought they could help our understanding of human behavior,” writes Dr. Justin R. Garcia. “But as more and more people of varying ages in my own social networks – family, friends, colleagues, dates – use emoticons and emojis...I’ve come to appreciate them as something more than funny little characters.”

To the uninitiated, emojis are practically another language. Even to the initiated, there's bound to be a character or two that's just puzzling. And to a growing number of behavioral scientists, emojis actually are a new form of nonverbal communication to be studied. “In an age of rapid mobile interaction,” Dr. Garcia writes, emojis are a 21^st century system of emotional expression and interpersonal engagement “that can help us understand human affect.”

When asked why they use emojis, US singles offered three top reasons:

• PERSONALITY: They give my text messages more personality (49% men, 53% women)
• EMOTION: It’s easier for me to express my feelings (37% men, 36% women)
• CONVENIENCE: It’s faster and easier than writing a full message (21% men, 18% women)

When asked which emojis singles favor for flirting, the following were the top three responses:

• Winky face (53% of singles)
• Smiley face (38% of singles)
• Kissy face (27% of singles)

Emoji users shared several traits. 62% want to be married (compared to only 30% of non-emoji users) and are more likely to place a high value on finding a partner who is a good communicator. Emoji users are also much more likely to be actively dating and to have sex.

But don't take things too far. While 40% of singles use emoticons and emojis regularly, nearly 75% agree that you should limit your use to 1-3 per conversation. Any more than that, and you may text yourself straight out of a date.

For more on the service which conducted this study you can read our Match.com review.

Valentine’s Day can stir up a lot of emotion for singles. The holiday is pervasive –there’s the mountain of chocolates and pink hearts on display when you walk into your local grocery store, not to mention the bouquets and presents being delivered to your work colleagues as they squeal in delight.

Maybe you wonder: why is it that a Hallmark-manufactured holiday is still around, making couples spend money they don’t have and making singles feel like uninvited party guests? Sure, some people are now calling February 14^th “Singles Awareness day,” but does that really help the situation?

There are a few ways to buck the holiday – or at least, try to have some fun in spite of it. Instead of getting frustrated or venting with your friends about your single V-Day, try one or some of these to have a little fun:

Throw a party with your friends. There’s nothing stopping you from celebrating Valentine’s Day without a romantic partner. Why not acknowledge the love you have for your group of friends? They have been there through it all, so it’s good to recognize this. Grab some fondue, some wine and cheese and make it a night to celebrate!

Take a spa day. Why should couples have all the romantic fun? Treat yourself to a little TLC and splurge for a massage – maybe throw in a scrub or a facial, too. The point is – pamper yourself. There’s no reason you can’t have love for yourself on Valentine’s Day.

Host a dinner. If you’re not into throwing an informal party, invite a few friends over and try your hand at cooking a fabulous meal. If you’re not a chef, then see if one of your friends wants to pitch in or pick up some food from your favorite local spot. Then serve in fancy dishes around your table to make the night special. The point is to cultivate love.

Call a friend who’s far away. Not really feeling social? That’s okay, too. But if you choose to spend the night at home watching rom-coms in your pajamas, it might make you feel worse. Try calling your old friend who you talk to maybe once every couple of years. There’s nothing more meaningful than telling someone how much they mean to you, no matter how far away.

Volunteer. Valentine’s Day is a good time to acknowledge how much we have in our lives, and to share love with others. Do you love dogs? Try walking them at a local shelter. If you want to work with people, try reading to kids at your library. There are lots of opportunities if you look around you. In fact, everyone should look into this for Valentine’s Day, whether or not they are in a relationship.

The point of Valentine’s Day is to spread love, right? So let’s start with it in our own lives.