Dating

For many, online dating sites open up a world that was previously far more difficult to access. Consider, for example, the person who works the night shift; they don’t keep conventional hours, and when they make a rare appearance in the middle of the day, they’re bleary-eyed and thinking of sleep more than romance. Or perhaps the person whose co-workers are all married or in their sixties, when they themselves are in their mid-twenties. Online dating provides opportunities to meet people they wouldn’t have otherwise.

But not everyone lives cut off from available single peers; other people turn to online dating because they’re dissatisfied with the local dating scene, or they have niche interests. Maybe they just like the aspect of being able to express themselves through writing, or ensure that they’re making a good first impression. For these people, online dating sites are a tool to add to their arsenal, but they’re not necessarily their primary option.

However, it can be easy to forget that other options exist besides online dating - and then you run the risk of limiting yourself even more. That’s what happened to “Carrie,” a friend. “I was going out on dates, and things were going well, so I stopped thinking about ‘finding a date’ as much,” she told me. “Then I started developing bad habits without even realizing it.”

“I was compartmentalizing ‘dating’ me and ‘don’t need to worry about dating’ me. I had my pre-established time that I would sit down and write emails and make plans, and the rest of the time I just didn’t think about it. There were some upsides; I was less stressed about that stuff. But if I wasn’t headed out on a date, I didn’t think about how I looked at all. I went to the grocery store in my pajamas more than I want to admit.

“On the one hand, it might’ve been this sort of ‘don’t care’ confidence that actually made me more attractive; there’s a co-worker - I thought he was cute when he first started here but he was seeing someone, and then I got into online dating. Anyway, I didn’t notice when his relationship ended. I didn’t notice when he became interested in me. I didn’t even notice he was flirting with me! Someone had to point it out, like high school! So we’ve been dating for a little while now, and he said I had just seemed so uninterested, he was actually about to give up. I wasn’t uninterested at all - I just wasn’t thinking about dating!”

Carrie’s tale might be a little extreme - how many people can literally turn their romance radar off? - but it makes a good point: while online dating provides a fantastic way to meet new people, that doesn’t mean we stop meeting new people in our everyday lives. For some, it might be healthier to view online dating as just another opportunity out of many; after all, who knows how your story will unfold?

Admittedly, many women have spent way too much time with the wrong man at least once in our lives. If we really want a relationship to work, we will make all kinds of justifications and excuses for a man's behavior - just because we don't want to leave. Unfortunately, this prolongs our unhappiness and delays us in meeting the right man.

Have you ever waited for a man to change? Did you invest in the relationship even when you saw it wasn't working? What was it that made you stay? These might not seem like simple questions to answer, but chances are there's a reason you didn't want to leave.

Following are some reasons you might be staying too long with the wrong man:

You don't want to be alone. Being single is a scary thought, especially if you're used to being in a relationship. If you worry about being alone, then it's important to spend time doing exactly that. One thing you might remind yourself of: it's more lonely to feel alone in a relationship than it is to be single.

He seems like such a great guy. Maybe he checks off a lot of boxes on your "must-have" list. Maybe he's incredibly gorgeous, or charismatic, or a million other attractive things. But if he's not willing to commit after years of dating, or he doesn't treat you with respect, or he avoids having a serious conversation about where the two of you are headed (or about anything else for that matter), he's likely not going to change.

You have incredible chemistry. When you are together, it's like time stops. The chemistry is almost palpable there's so much heat, and you really enjoy each other's company. But then he'll go weeks without calling or seeing you. No matter how awesome he is, or how much he makes you laugh, if he's not there when it counts or is not invested in the relationship, then it's only going to hurt you to keep things going. And he might have someone else on the side.

You keep thinking he'll change. Maybe you've broken up with him a few times, but he keeps coming back, saying he's changed. So you give him another chance, only to be disappointed. It's time to stop taking his word for it and take care of yourself for a change. If a man hasn't shown you that he's really changed, then he probably hasn't.

You are avoiding real intimacy. This might be difficult to hear, but some women stay in a relationship that isn't working because they can avoid true intimacy. It's scary to show who you really are to someone else - it takes complete trust with no guarantees. If you're with someone because he doesn't ask a lot of you, or you don't have to reveal yourself too deeply, then you're missing out. Great relationships are built on this kind of trust in the vulnerability of our partners.

We've all heard the term "gold digger," but how many of you have ever dated one? If you're nodding your head and smiling at my question, you're not alone, I promise.

I have a friend who complains constantly of dating women he refers to as "takers." According to him, they want (and ask for) everything - dinner at fancy restaurants, luxury vacations, someone who will pay down their credit card debt. You name it, he has been asked to provide. When I offered to set him up with a friend of mine, he shook his head, saying he just couldn't date another gold digger, even though he'd never met her. He just assumed she'd be the same.

Now, he is not extremely wealthy, but he has some financial success. Enough to take his dates out to nice restaurants, buy them gifts, and when things go well, take them on trips to Mexico or Hawaii. But here's the problem: they keep asking and he keeps giving. He feels like this is a romantic gesture, a form of wooing.

The truth is, he hasn't set any boundaries for himself and the women he dates. He keeps saying yes to their demands, thinking that all women are like this. He just assumes all of his dates want something from him. No wonder he's completely turned off.

This idea of "takers" doesn't only apply to women looking to be wined and dined. There are plenty of men who are "takers" as well - financial and emotional drains. Perhaps you've dated a man who was perpetually unemployed, who relied on you for housing, money, or other things to meet his needs? This is another form of taking.

When someone takes, there is an unequal balance in the relationship. Relationships aren't balanced 100% of the time - they go back and forth, with each person relying on the other at different times for support. When one side does all the giving and it goes on indefinitely, then the relationship not going to last. Neither side is going to feel happy and fulfilled. Both sides end up resentful.

Instead of blaming others, (because you can't control anybody else's behavior, only your own), try looking at what you can do. It's up to you to set your own boundaries and decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with, as well as what you expect from a relationship.

Instead of offering to pay for so much, try planning dates that aren't so expensive. Take a picnic to the park. Make a home-cooked meal. Do things that show gestures of love and effort rather than expense and see how she/ he responds. Then see if they return the favor and start taking you out, too.

There's no need to feel taken advantage of in dating. The key is, set your own boundaries and stick to them.

Stereotypes aren't always true. While prevailing wisdom indicates that older men like to date younger women, it turns out they aren't the only ones interested in dating younger.

A recent study conducted by dating app Are You Interested, which connects members based on their Facebook profiles, found that women were five times more likely to show interest in a man five years younger than one who is five years older. And as it turns out, the men are a little more open to dating older women. While 42% wouldn't consider reaching out to a woman who was older, if these same men were contacted by an older woman, most would entertain the idea of dating. Only 22% of men said they were less likely to respond when an older woman contacted them first.

Are You Interested pulled data from its 68 million downloads and 20 million Facebook profiles of members to see which ones were making successful matches. From this user base, they focused on 35,942 users aged 30 to 49.

Age seems to be a key factor. Members in their twenties were not considered, and there might be more diversity among them.

According to Are You Interested, one of the reasons for the trend of women going for younger men is that they get inundated with messages from older men, so dating older doesn't hold much appeal. There is something else to consider too, which is the fact that young women in general are putting more time and energy into their careers and education, making more money than their young male counterparts. They have little desire to settle down or to date someone older for reasons of financial security.

So what does this mean if you are online dating? Should you make sure that you don't date anyone more than two or three years older? Should you start limiting your search to profiles of younger men?

Most people do have age preferences, but if you are strict about them when you're online dating, you're missing out on opportunities. If you set age limits, you're more likely to set other hard limits too, like only dating men who live within a ten-mile radius, or who are taller, or who have a certain type of career. The choosier we are, the more people we are not getting the privilege of meeting, which is counter-productive in dating. The more you date, and especially the more you date outside your "type," the more you can draw on a vast array of experiences. Then you can make a truly informed decision about what type of person you want, and what kind of relationship you desire.

Don't you wish online dating came with an instruction manual?

Oh wait - it does!

Well, sorta. If what you're looking for is "a complete step by step guide on how someone would seduce you," then yes...online dating comes with an instruction manual. It's called the Seduction Style Guide, and you can find it (where else?) on POF.com.

Get those grains of salt ready, and let's dive in...

The first section of the test is called "Flirting." Choose up to three of the listed flirting styles that appeal most to you, and up to three that don't interest you. Do you prefer your dates "Playful," "Confident," "Coy," "Charming," or "Prim and Proper?" Then answer a question about your communication preferences. How would you like a date to ask you out? By phone? By email? In person at a dating event?

Section three delves deeper into your personality. Read each statement and indicate the degree to which it describes you: "Strongly agree," "Disagree," "Agree," or "Strongly agree." Statements to rate cover topics like humor and spontaneity:

• I enjoy trying different kinds of ethnic foods
• I brood for a long time in an attempt to solve some fundamental problem
• There is humor to be seen in just about everything

Of course, it wouldn't be a Seduction Style test without questions about seduction! The next sections ask questions about your first date habits and your sexuality. Again, you must rate the accuracy of words used describe your sexuality. Are you the "Sultry" type? Or maybe you're better described as "Adorable?"

The test wraps up with a free response section and the most salacious section of all. The free response questions inquire about what you most and least enjoy while on a date, and your turn ons/offs. Answer each with three responses, all in your own words.

The final section...well...let's just say it's a pretty intimate look at your favorite kinks, fetishes, and fantasies.

Put it all together and you get POF's take on how best to woo you. Got that salt ready?

The results page is surprisingly detailed. First, there's The Big Picture. Apparently people like me "tend to love life with zeal, often living in the moment and trying not to let experiences pass them by." (All true, as far as I'm concerned...perhaps POF knows me better than I would like to admit.)

Then there's the three step seduction plan: Approach Me, How To Date Me, and How To Sexually Seduce Me. Much to my surprise, POF also manages to sneak in some genuinely useful information amongst all the silly stuff. The report includes info on favorite dating conversation topics, online dating safety, preferred dating activities, and do's and don'ts.

To show others your results, send the link included at the bottom of the results page (and consider sending some salt with it).

To find out more about this popular dating site you can take a look at our Plentyoffish review.

Lately I've found myself consumed by the world of marketing. A new job as a social media assistant has me learning things I never thought I would - a new vocabulary, new lessons on how the mind works, a new approach to writing and delivering content.

It's been a fun challenge to immerse myself in something so unfamiliar, but what's been most fun is discovering the ways that marketing isn't really so unfamiliar after all. In fact, it bears a striking resemblance to online dating, and there are quite a few lessons from one that can be applied to the other.

Don't believe me? Check it out:

1. Personalization is the way to go. Think about all those marketing emails you've gotten (maybe even from your dating site). Notice how most of them say "Hi _____" and actually insert your name? That's personalization. It makes you feel like the email was sent just for you, tailored to your specific needs. Your online dating messages should be the same. Don't send a generic message to a prospective date - say something that shows you've actually taken an interest in who they are and what their profile has to say.
2. Create a call to action. When successful marketers want you to do something, they tell you what it is. That button that says "Sign up today!" or "Register now for your free trial!" is known as a "call to action." The sense of urgency it creates drives action, a tactic that you can also use when online dating. Why not add a call to action in your profile? "Send me a message if..." Or in your messages, by asking a question for the recipient to answer? It's an effective way to create engagement and encourage interaction.
3. Timing is everything. How often do you message potential dates? How long do you take to respond to messages you receive? Timing is key to both marketing and online dating success. Don't be afraid to reach out to people you're interested in. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Once you're involved in a conversation with someone, pace yourself. A business that bombards customers with marketing emails is going to lose those customers. A dater who obsessively messages a potential date is going to lose that date.
4. Test and evolve. If a marketer isn't seeing the success they want, they'll try something else. An email will get a new subject line. A webpage will be redesigned. The call to action will get a subtle tweak. Each new change will be tested, until the most effective version is found. Do the same with your dating habits - continuously update your profile, pictures, and messages until you've optimized yourself for online dating success.