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Q & A: Everything you wanted to know about online dating & success!


Captain Realistic

Anonymous
thoughtful
I wanted to write up a short blurb on this website seeing as how I Googled "online dating reviews". I wanted to share with you my experiences as a man and offer some insight into the online dating scene, "reasons why" (in other words: Men 101), Do's & Don'ts and the biggie - What will ultimately determine your success or failure. This isn't a compendium, but just some insight from myself and a few others I know - most of which have been successful, all of which have had similar experiences. As for me - I finally ended up meeting Miss Right after a whole bunch of frustrating, exhausting & discouraging experiences. We're now engaged and expecting our first child after being together over two years and we couldn't be happier!

I had tried online dating a few times over a two year period. I tried several different sites, one popular free one and several paid ones. WOW - what an eye opener. I was enthusiastic at first, excited to meet new people and try something new. After a couple of months - that quickly wore off. Why? I found that while I like the person's profile picture, email & short phone conversation - things quickly died out for one reason or another after that. I'll get more into the WHY later. There are two major things I learned from online dating:

1) People will paint a facade of what they want you to believe - whether its true or not. We all do this to some degree in our personal lives, however, in the online dating world this goes to a whole different level for some. The biggest thing - the profile picture!! Lets be real - if you post a picture from 5 years and 80 lbs ago, how honest are you being with both yourself and potential suitors? If you can't be honest about who you are, what chance do you have of being successful if the package doesnt match the bill of goods? I had one meeting where the woman was at least 50lbs heavier and looked nothing like her picture. Dishonesty for most is a major turn off - remember that guys & girls.

2) You will meet a lot of people who are wrong for you for any number of reasons. Get used to it. Does it mean they're bad people? Absolutely not. While some may be nuttier than squirrel turds - it doesn't mean they're bad - just not right for you. It will take a lot of effort on your part to find the right person regardless of whether its online or through friends. Don't give up!

MEN 101

So why doesn't he return your call? Why do things fizzle out after a couple dates or phone calls? Simple - he's just not into you. Plain and simple. A man who finds a woman he's interested in will show interest in some fashion - whether its a text message, flowers or something more - if he wants to get to know you better, you'll know. If he doesn't then the best thing you can do is to thank him after the date (a day or two later is fine - a week is obnoxoius) and move on. He may very well may not feel a connection - but he may either become a good friend or more importantly know someone who he thinks you would hit it off with.

I heard of a recent experience where a woman was very intersted in a date she had just had and emailed him to thank him for a wonderful time as they seemed to both hit it off. After he failed to respond in what she thought was an appropriate length of time - she sent off another email letting him know how ignorant he was for not responding to her first email. As it turned out he had a job that kept him out of town from time to time and hadn't received her email right away. Needless to say - he responded in kind by labelling her as "one of those desperate 30 somethings". She blew it royally. Always take the high road and treat people with respect and you will have no regrets.

So why did the dates fizzle or the phone calls or emails? Primarily there just wasn't a spark. Either our personalities were too different, our life experience or expectations were way off or we just didn't feel a connection. The NUMBER ONE reason why a date didn't work out for me was the person lied on their profile and completely misrepresented themselves. To me thats a deal breaker. If you're going to con me into a date - what else are you going to do?????? There were several women that I was interested in that didn't reciprocate and vice versa - that's life. Don't take it personally. Remember - this should be only ONE way to meet people, NOT the only way.

The NUMBER TWO reason why a date didn't work out is that the person wasn't comfortable with themselves. Nervous is more than understandable - but having the appearance of being desperate is a huge turnoff, as is being high on yourself. If you're so in love with yourself - why do you need me??

DO'S & DON'TS

Here's a short, quick list for both sexes - a few rules myself & others have stumbled through.

1) Be honest - both with yourself & others. Post several recent pictures (6 months or less) and be genuine in your profile about what you're doing and why. Make sure that you don't start off with all of the things you hate, all of the things you want or where you expect to be in 5 years - no one cares. The profile is an icebreaker, not a life story.

2) Take a break - I quickly realized that if I didn't step back, refocus my energy elsewhere and rethink things that I was going to quickly burn out. Instead I'd do it for a month or two - or until I had a really bad date and was fed up. Then I'd pull my profile, turn the computer off and take a break from it - however long I needed. If you don't do this - either your bitterness, your guarded actions or your pessimissm will rub off and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

3) Lighten up!! Online dating should be viewed as a new way to socially connect with people and make friends with individuals you would never otherwise meet. If you label it as your "Marriage Machine" you will be hugely disappointed as it will come across and guys or girls will run for the hills! Be positive, but see it for what it is - a social outlet and nothing more. So have fun with it and stay positive!

4) The X factor: Everyone has an X factor. It's the one or two things that are deal breakers for you - lying, drugs, infidelity. Face it - there are slimeballs on the internet - just like everywhere else - both guys and girls. There are married men & there are women out there who just want free meals and points on their scorepad for either most dates or most "partners". There are also the 35 year olds that still live with mom & the lost and insecure women looking for a father figure. Listen to your gut and avoid these losers like the plauge. You may feel that there are a lot of them - and if you're on a free website - there will be hoardes of them. Don't give up. Remember - its a social outlet.

5) If you do decide to meet - remember - short & sweet. Let the first meeting be casual and short. I found that either meeting for coffee or a drink was the best way as it allows both parties to leave when they like as opposed to a full evening together. The bill is minimal, the time is minimal and it gives each person a sampling of what the other is like. If you do end up talking for hours on end - great! But at least if things aren't going well you can make an exit without being stuck or feeling obligated.

Success & Failure

So what ultimately determines your success or failure in the online dating world? Is it your looks? Your weight, job, money? Nope - its none of these. It's actually two things:

The first and most important is your attitude. If you're positive and patient - things will work out. If you're desperate, insecure & needy - things won't work out.

The second thing is be realistic. You probably won't meet and marry Brad or Angelina - but you may very well meet someone who compliments you well, who you click with and ultimately someone you want to be with and that's all that matters right?

That's it - I hope you found this helpful.

Good Luck & Best Wishes Everyone!

CAPTCHAHUH

Anonymous
That was very nice -- thank you for taking the time to do it.

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