Online Dating & Relationships Forums

Guys, Does the Double Standard still exist?


ByTheBeach

Anonymous
curious
Whether on the internet, or at the local grocery store, I would like to know if the men out there see a woman as desperate or looking for a "bed-mate" if they approach you to say hello and ask if you'd like to get a cup of coffee, drink, etc? I have found that my male friends have no problem approaching women without the women automatically thinking "he is just trying to get me in the sack", whereas when I approach guys online or otherwise they immediately think it's open season.

All I want to do is find a decent guy and maybe if I am lucky fall in love with, and so far, leaving it up to the guys who are always checking me out, but never asking me out is getting me nowhere.

Men, what do you think when a decent, attractive, woman asks if you are single and available, and would you like to get a cup of coffee and chat?

happy idiot

Anonymous
i would just wonder why she isn't with someone already-especially if she has the attributes you describe

ByTheBeach

Anonymous
hopeful
Thank you for giving me a decent guys point of view. I plan to start approaching men I would be interested in. (guess I'm going to know how you all feel trying to introduce yourselves to an attractive stranger) Wish me luck!!!

Shy guy

Anonymous
Quote by: ByTheBeach

Thank you for giving me a decent guys point of view. I plan to start approaching men I would be interested in. (guess I'm going to know how you all feel trying to introduce yourselves to an attractive stranger) Wish me luck!!!



I wish more girls (the youthful form of the word women is more flattering to use) were like you. With guys, there are two reasons why it's difficult to ask someone out, especially when that someone is a complete stranger.

1. I would guess that a large majority of girls would not want to be "hit on." I have the feeling that most of them are thinking "Who the hell are you? or get the hell away from me!"

2. The axe murderer theory. This basically plays into number 1 above. It is reasonable to believe that any "hittee" would think this of a guy who tried.

I'm not even sure if the few girls who have agreed to go out with me were going out out of pity or some kind of social obligation, rather than finding me attractive. I'm not as ugly as an aged rusty post and I don't have to bathe with steel wool either, but my meager self-confidence tells me that a very low percentage of girls would find me a good catch without knowing my socio-economic level.

Clint V

Anonymous
Hey all,
Shy guy, I think you have some hang-ups about approaching women that you need to confront. Depending on your age, there are some simple exercises that pretty much nix that problem(ie. sarging in malls). Then, there are all kinds of things about social dynamics that you have to learn after that.

Now for the OP's question. I actually think that this is what we are coming to. If you are going to start approaching guys, however, I am going to make some important considerations. Let's compare the way the game is supposed to be played by knowledgable ladies. A girl sees a guy she potentially wants to meet. She then stops dropping subtle hints to him(eye contact, etc.). If neccessary, she moves closer to him. I haven't heard a PUA mention this, but I am tall and have noticed women tend to move towards me a lot. This is especially true in clubs where I just go stand on the dance floor and they walk right up in front of me and start shaking their groove things. You do have to make it obvious for some guys, honestly. A knowledgable guy will pick up on your hints and you go from there. Most girls bomb this part hard. Regardless of your interest in a guy, you should probably go ahead and at least let him get a few sentences out. Give him a polite no. Ok, so what if you approach.

A critical thing to consider is that guys who weren't able to approach you are probably lacking in social skills. The majority of the ones you approach, are probably not going to be "keepers". I mean let's face it, if you drop hints and he doesn't notice, then he is not aware of social dynamics. A girl on the approach is going to have to probably be a lot more judgemental than a guy. I have things I look for in a girl. Typically, the first is intelligence. You need to think about what you want and try to determine where they stand quickly. Otherwise, you will end up waisting a ton of time, because guys will probably rarely reject your initial chat if your even average in attractiveness(to me it means she has really advanced social skills).

One other thing about your original question, it assumes women think guys are trying to get them in the sack when they approach them. It just isn't true on either side.

Marty

Anonymous
Quote by: ByTheBeach

Whether on the internet, or at the local grocery store, I would like to know if the men out there see a woman as desperate or looking for a "bed-mate" if they approach you to say hello and ask if you'd like to get a cup of coffee, drink, etc? I have found that my male friends have no problem approaching women without the women automatically thinking "he is just trying to get me in the sack", whereas when I approach guys online or otherwise they immediately think it's open season.

All I want to do is find a decent guy and maybe if I am lucky fall in love with, and so far, leaving it up to the guys who are always checking me out, but never asking me out is getting me nowhere.

Men, what do you think when a decent, attractive, woman asks if you are single and available, and would you like to get a cup of coffee and chat?



More power to you, for realizing that this is the USA, not Bolivia. Don't worry about scaring men away, the only ones who will be intimidated are the wimps. You won't be sorry when you've made the first move on some guy who will treat you like a lady... when all the other women who played "come and get me" ended up with the jerks.

Metrocrash

Anonymous
Hello! Indeed a double standard (DS) exists, and its perpetuated consistently by mothers and grandmothers of yesteryear! I am 31, single and male in a town that all census statistics suggest has a majority single female population...Hattiesburg, MS, in spite of a military base just outside of town. Yeah right, when are single women gonna learn they are outnumbered by single men by as much as 10 to one ratios (10 males for every single female). Of course in my case, I am white and the sad majority of single women are black and unmarriageable. Nothing personal against black women...but well yes everything is against them...black women of any social status have a problem of dating non black men...call it slavery sterotypes or the blatant xenophobic racism of black men in general. Of course, wellfare checks, and multiple kids to different fathers doesn't help, nor does the bitchy tough girl, and very poor grammer and speech of black women. Nothing is less attractive to me than the utter ridiculous speech patterns (ebonics) of black people. Blacks need to speak English as whites do...forget the stupid cultural perceptions (street cred) of being black. Any sensilbe black american understands this...Pres Obama, Oprah, Tyra Banks, Will Smith, they all speak refined English that is neutral of ebonics. If blacks wanna succeed these days, they must make themselves as white as possible symbolically. Enough about the plight of black America.

Anyway, at my job, the women i work with are all younger than myself and single or not, all project the same mentalaity..."they want the man to approach them, sweep them off their feet, propose to them on one knee" etc. They adamantly refuse to believe they should open the lines of romantic communication at any point. When i ask them why, none can give me a rational or consistent answer...in fact they usually cannot answer me at all. In my humble opinion, i attribute that to their young age...19-22 years. As they get older their attitudes will change if they remain single.

Moving on, i would greatly appreciate it if women would give off more signals in ordinary ways...no need for batting eyelashes or other crazy tactics...simple politeness and general interest in me would suffice...if they take it further by suggesting a date...even better, but alas they do not. These days, single women are too busy nitpicking their cell phones to notice men, and they wonder why they are single...put the phone away for a few minutes and just observe your surroundings.

Now about online dating. My problem, i used YP, was the terrible selection of women...terrible in that women almost never responded to an email, or other interest grabbing device (winks, ice breakers etc). In all, after six months, i sent dozens of messages to women, and received about 10 actual responses. 5 were Nigerian scam artists trying to sucker my account info away and 5 were real people. I actually spoke on the phone to 4 women, and met only one in person. YP advertised that it had millions of singles looking for matchmaking. Yeah Right! On the other hand, the women I did speak with (regardless of their looks, usually they were heavier girls) told me they got dozens of hits and interested parties, and they never had to do any cold messages...they just had to wait. This tells me, that online dating is as difficult as old fashioned dating, with the same problems as before...too many men, not enough women. For online dating, women have a much greater reluctance to even use online dating, mainly for the stigma of seeming "desperate".

Here is my problem: I want a gf so badly that it shows on my face, i come across as too eager and forceful...I get in trouble at work because female coworkers get uncomfortable around me...therefore i am totally screwed in my happiness, and as for online dating, i get screwed out of my money by being ignored. Don't worry about me, i am just fine alone!

So my advice to any woman considering taking the plunge by inititating contact first....DO IT! Waiting around all day is counter productive! We men are clueless to anything but direct lines of communication. As for the qualities of men, ladies, the quiet ones who won't even come close to you are generally the best, they are the least interesting sure, but man they will treat you like a queen! please take advantage (within reason) of these overlooked individuals, they are the most loyal and least experienced, and most scared of rejection. But when they get the girl, they will reign over any bad boy all day...the nerds have the biggest hearts and smallest egos! Grab them!

Happy Hunting!

Cute & Clever

Anonymous
To Metrocrash:

Good god, you are racist. I am 25, in law school (at an Ivy League school), and I have a degree in business (also from an Ivy League) and I'm also part-black. I have no children, and I am beyond a shadow of a doubt significantly more intelligent than yourself. I am not, have ever been, nor will ever be on welfare. Shockingly, like most women, I'm only a bitch when it's called for. It's fantastic to know that you think I am completely unmarriagable, because based on your post, you are the one that is actually in said category.

Maybe you'd attract more women if you weren't so focused on stereotypes, because as it stands, no woman I know would come within 15 feet of you (and all my female friends are also quite educated, and many are not black). I'm so sick of people assuming that because of my colour I must be stupid, uneducated, a single mother on welfare, and a crazy bitch to boot. It's very frustrating to say the least.

If you got to know people instead of making snap judgements, you probably wouldn't be alone. Stop stereotyping, and look at people on a case by case basis. You are the author of your own misfortune- you're alone because you don't have a good heart, plain and simple, and women of all colours can see that and want nothing to do with you.


simdate

Anonymous
yes, such guys does exist on the internet. all they can do is break the heart.

Status: offline

onlinedating

Forum User
Newbie
Registered: 2009/10/14
Posts: 1
well said, all the boys behaves in the similar manner especially comes to online.

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