I'm a 25 year old girl and I really need help. I have really "bad luck" with dating. I never dated in high school, the only date I've ever been on was when I was 21. This guy treated me horribly - he said he was desperate for sex and then belittled and criticized me for being so "old" and not willing to do anything with him. I was shocked by how little respect he showed for me. After that I thought, "Is this all I can expect?" Every other guy I've been interested in just wanted to be friends and no one else has ever shown any interest in me.

Recently I joined lavalife but again I've had no interest. I'm starting to feel like there's something "wrong" with me. Every time I try to talk about my fears though, I'm just dismissed with, "Oh, you're pretty" and "it'll happen." I think they're just trying to be nice - but I can handle not so nice, I just want some honesty.

I know that I'm a good, friendly person and that people like me but when it comes to guys and dating, they have no interest in me. I am obese but that doesn't mean I should have trouble dating - people of all sizes have romantic relationships.

Another concern is my age - I don't want to have a random hook-up with a stranger, especially for my first time. I want to go on dates and maybe have a boyfriend. But it seems like I'm "too old" and even if a guy was finally interested in being with me, he wouldn't be interested in waiting for sex. I'm also though very sexually frustrated so it's hard to not be intersted in guys.

I'm really confused and distraught. What could possibly be "wrong" with me? Should I just give up on ever expecting more? Am I being unreasonable though in expecting guys to treat me with respect? Is the only reason why bigger girls ever have boyfriends is because the guys can't do any better and are desperate? Is the only thing I can ever hope for is being "used"? (Just the thought, and I want to cry.) If so, how do I stop myself from wanting a romantic relationship and thinking about dating and guys? Also, how do I keep this from negatively impacting my self-esteem?

I'd really appreciate your feedback. Thanks for your advice

Is something wrong?? no way! U may be a little too shy, u dont know how much courage it takes for us to ask ladies out. If you dont give us anything (well most of us) like a smile or wink or something then no one will probably ask you. No one like being rejected. Ask for as your criteria goes, never settle or you will be unhappy and make them unhappy as well. 25 is not old, just be patient..he will come

Thanks for writing back.

I disagree though - something must be seriously wrong with me other than just "shyness." I don't want to just settle for being treated poorly but how do I deal with being undateable? How do I stop myself from wanting more when I'm physiologically and psychologically driven to want guys and be in relationships? And how do I stop feeling like a complete loser? This has really ruined my self-esteem. I mean, sometimes when I'm feeling extremely vulnerable, just watching TV can "trigger" a cry.

I also really hate it when people say there's nothing wrong with me - ever since I was 13 i've been watching guys ask pretty girls to dance, date, etc. So many times I would wonder why a guy would be so nice to my "pretty" friend and then, when I speak to him, he pulls a total Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Maybe the reason I have poor self-esteem or am shy or have no confidence compared with "pretty girls" is because every time I tried to be confident I was shot down and treated horribly.

I don't know what to do anymore. I honestly feel like I'm just a waste of space.

I do not mean to be offensive, but being obese something more or less in your control. I'm sure you'll have more luck if you lose the extra weight.

Walking doesn't really count as exercise, by the way. Perhaps the best for you would be to run outside or to jump rope.
Running outside may be a bit embarrassing, but I bet many people who see you running would be impressed that you're trying to improve your health.
Jumping rope is the other option, and you can do it indoors. I have just begun doing it myself as it's getting cold outside and I'm afraid of slipping on ice or snow! I can tell you from experience that the first week or two of jumping rope are difficult and frustrating, but go slow and soon you'll be able to do 20, 30...100 in a row. Aim for around 100-200 twice a day your first week, then gradually move to 1000. I guarantee you'll lose weight and feel better.

The reason I spend all this time writing to you about exercise is that obesity is the *number one* cause of 90% of diseases people encounter in life.

Heart disease, diabetes, cancer (!!), arthritis (apparently, fat cells produce toxins that destroy the body), depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, snoring, headaches, birth complications, Alzheimer's. Heard enough? And the list goes on.

Also, eat a little less. If you take in 2000-3000 calories per day, take in 500-1000 less. You'll see great results.

This is the best advice anyone can give you in life. You'll save money, you'll be happier (exercise produces endorphins, which is a hormone that gives us the sensation of happiness), you may even have more luck with guys! It's true, love is love, but who doesn't like being very attracted to her significant other? More importantly, who doesn't like knowing that she's attractive?

I know I don't need to wish you good luck, CharleneBrown, because I'm sure it's just around the corner. ;-) How's that for cheesy?


NQ

Miss Charlene,

I know I've put down a lot on you, but I'd like to add two things:

First --
To quote the Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Throw away your television!"

Why watch TV?
I agree, Heroes is awesome, The Simpsons is hilarious. The joy you get out of TV, though...does it really compare to the losses you take when you watch?
With the time you spend on the TV, you could do anything! All the amazing things we read about, see in movies, watch on TV...you have the potential to live an incredible life. But to have adventures in life, we must accept that nothing worthwhile comes easily. TV, videogames...they use the precious little time we have on this earth...and don't help you in any way.

I know it's hard to give up. When I was small, I think I'd watch between 3-6 hours of TV a day. I think it was only in High School that I stopped watching so much, and now I hardly watch any. In fact, every time I sit down with a friend who's watching TV, I realize how silly and exaggerated TV is...well, except The Simpsons and Family Guy...lol, I miss those the most. T_T

And, well, look at me writing this stuff online. If I *really* followed my own advice, I wouldn't be here writing to you. Instead, I'd be studying my math textbook or something! >_< Still...it's sound advice, even if it's coming from a fool like me. :-P

Second --
As humans, we rely heavily on our initial impressions. It must have been painful when a guy just talks with a pretty friend of yours, but doesn't really spare a glance your way. On the other hand, when you're at a dance or a party, all anyone has to go on initially is appearances. At a party, the guys you'd like to talk with may also be the more attractive or nicer-seeming guys. That's just how it is.

Don't be discouraged by this, though. It's difficult to lose weight, but you CAN do it if you really try. Even people with genetic disorders or slow metabolisms should have very little problem losing weight if they really commit themselves and really do it.

Plus, I bet if you lose that extra weight, some of those guys who say "they just want to be friends" will be a little more willing to...be more than friends with you. I bet many of them will be impressed with your discipline and hard-work...qualities that are attractive to both sexes!

Anyhow, best of luck.

I'm well aware of the health benefits of eating well and exercise but really, the issue of obesity is more about sizism masquerading as "better health." Studies show that a person who exercises but is obese is less likely to develop heart disease than a person with a "healthy" BMI but who is sedentary.

Telling me to lose weight is like telling someone to be less black - it's part who I am. In fact, one of the reasons why I am hesitant to lose weight is because I'm afraid that guys will start liking me because I'm more "attractive." Well, they certainly don't give a $h!+ about me do they? What if I gain weight? Is he just going to dump me? I'd rather be alone, frankly than have proof that the only reason why I wasn't "good" enough was based on what I looked like.

However, if you have any advice on how to ignore my sexuality that would helpful because at this point I wish I could just have brain surgery to remove the part of my brain that drives me physically and mentally to be interested in guys and then consequently feel horrible about myself because they reject me.

Hi Charlene,

Oh my goodness, you have hit our biggest fear right on the head. Yeah, what if we "weren't good enough"? What if you loose weight and guys start being attracted? What if you want it bad as everybody else but can't get it?

Charlene, it's inside out. It's the most amazing thing, and really hard to understand, but really what we hold inside is what we see outside.

It's really really tough to change a low self esteem, because it seems real. We prove it every day that people are not attracted to us, people don't treat us well and etc. It seems true, and it is true, but that doesn't mean that it's law. The Law is that people treat us like we want to be treated. No, not like we say we want to be treated, but how we feel we are worth being treated.

You say you are hesitant to loose weight because then you would be more attractive. Hmm, think about that..! I wish you all the joy and love in the world, and I better add courage. You can change your beliefs about yourself, and as you do, you will be amazed how others just strangely change their view of you.

I suggest an awesome book. It's called "Ask and it is Given" by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It's kinda out there, but it can change your life big time if you can work it.

Good luck to you! I know that you have the Grrr! inside you to get out of this trap! That's all it is, a trap. You just need to decide to, and continue to have the courage to get out of it!

Best of luck,
Garth

I hate to tell you this but as much as you dont like it, the majority of males initial attraction is based on looks. its the way we are.
Ever heard of survival of the fittest.
it applys to almost all things

To survive in todays buisness world you have to adapt.
To be a professional fighter you have to be the best in almost every aspect not just one
To be the best singer you have to be able to sell your persona as well as your voice.

There are many more examples but you get the point


AND
to attract a male you should have/want initial attraction, Now initial attraction doesnt only have to be physical, personality helps a ton but if you dont show either how can you expect to attract. i dont know what your personality is like, however you probably have lost some confidence along the way feeling sorry for yourself.

personally for me a huge turn off in women is insecuritys. alot of other men try and exploit it to get some and it works. however in the process ruins it for us who would like normal healthy relationships. not feeding off of insecuritys being selfish. however not all men are like that.

before i go off topic, the short answer is yes, there are some things wrong with you but there are things wrong with everyone, the best you can do in life is to do your best to change it.

so If you dont like your situation, take the advice you read from this and other posts.
1. get a gym membership and work hard to lose the extra pounds not only to help you attract males but to help your overall health also
2. get out and start producing a healthy mentality, one not so self concious. go to social events. not neccisarily bars. go somewhere to do something you like, i recommend meetup.com
3. And most importantly dont expect it to change by not legitimately trying. believe me i know, ive been through a simaler situation to what your going through right now, its hard but its doable. remember that.

and if you take this offensively and dont legitamately try it then you deserve to stay unhappy with your situation

Charlene Brown,
It sounds like what you need most is to avoid falling into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself. I made that mistake once, and I almost went bye-bye because of it. I'm fat (there, I said it), but I have pros, not just cons... I've never been in debt, I have plenty of skills which started out as hobbies, I don't drink, smoke, use dope, or gamble, and I inherited a house because I took care of my mother during her last days. I'm 41 years old and people probably think I'm "defective" for being a virgin... but the truth is, I can't see how one-night stands are going to help me live better. I'm a keeper who's interested in meeting other keepers, not players.

If some women want to pass me by because of those things, OH WELL... they had their chance to nab this nice guy.

There is nothing wrong with you. It's the people on the dating sites. Eveyone here telling you to lose the wieght is the problem, they are typical of the men on all dating sites. I have tried so many spent so much money only to get slammed over my size. I'm big, not morbidly obese.

It's just the typical selfish, shallow platform for people to pass judgement on others based on appearance.