I liked the idea of creating a profile that would identify compatible matches based on various personality factors. That is why I chose to try eHarmony. After spending a great deal of time trying to answer the questions honestly I completed them, filled out the introductory info, and uploaded some photos.

I was extremely disappointed at the superficiality of the compatability of the matches it sent me. I provided sincere, heartfelt, genuine responses to the questions which are used to generate the much vaunted personality profile and was rewarded with very few matches. I found that the four step communications process encourages people to form preconceived notions based on the most superficial of principles.

I signed up for a three month membership. Over the course of that time I received about fifty some matches. A little more than half of those apparently found me immediately incompatible. Out of the remainder I found about eighty percent of those incompatible. That left about five I pursued communication with. I was never able to complete step three with any of these prospects before they either stopped responding without bothering to close the match or finally did close the match after being "nudged" two weeks later.

At this point I decided to look over the Dimensions advice newsletters for some inspiration and was instead confronted with the following article which I found highly offensive.

advice.eharmony.com/newsletter/volume55/dating-advice-0807.htm

From issue 55 of the Dimensions newsletter, from item number six, called "Underestimating a personality or behavioral problem.", of the eHarmony Dating Advice column entitled "7 Fatal Flaws of Faulty Mate Selection" I discovered that Dr. Warren casually encourages users to exclude those suffering from depression and other emotional illnesses from consideration as a compatible partner characterizing emotional illness as a "fatal flaw"? to a serious long term relationship. His statements are not only insensitive but prejudicial and bigoted. It is irresponsible of a therapist who presents himself as an authority to so callously express such a viewpoint with so casual a disregard for the sensibilities of human nature.

I had a great deal of trouble trying to get a response from eHarmony to my query regarding this article in a timely manner and eventually gave up hope. I did not renew at the end of the the three month period.

I would not recommend the eHarmony approach.

Here is the advice copied directly from the URL given:

---

Underestimating a personality or behavioral problem Hopes, good intentions and promises are most likely not going to solve major personality or character flaws in a person's behavior, and neither will marriage. Though these negative traits, such as alcohol, food issues, depression or anxiety may not be consistently present, they will come up over and over again in your relationship. You have to ask yourself honestly whether you are willing to tolerate these problems throughout the rest of your life. Additionally, if children are part of the picture, you must consider the impact this problem will have on them as well.

---

Honestly, while I find other aspects of e-Harmony not to my liking, this particular advice really does make a lot of sense. Notice he does not say that one should absolutely avoid someone suffering from depression, he only states that one should give this some serious thought. The reality is that someone suffering from something more than just a temporary spell of depression (death in the family, loss of job, etc) will have their ups and downs (sorry, but 'meds' haven't gotten to the point of keeping one always level). Sorry it is perfectly reasonable for someone to ask themselves if they are willing to deal with that for the rest of their lives.

I am not sure if it is his labeling of it as a behavioral problem that bugs you (would you prefer the more accurate 'mental illness' label?) or if it is simply the case that you suffer from depression and that article touches too close to home. If in fact you do suffer from depression, I would suggest that you absolutely not reveal that upfront because even a mild temporary case of depression will drive away potential dates. Unfortunately, depression carries a negative connotation in our society, so people have knee-jerk reactions to it. The proper time to reveal your situation to your date is after you have had a few dates and they have gotten to know you better. At that point they can make a better decision about how your depression figures into any long term relationship.