Is a Relationship What You Really Want?

It sounds cliché, but sometimes as we struggle and strive for something that seems important to us - when we achieve it, it's not exactly what we thought.

The same goes for relationships. Picture this: you've been dating a really hot, sexy guy for the last two months. When you're with him, things are great, but sometimes he gets flaky and cancels on you at the last minute, or doesn't return your texts. But you forgive him the next time you see him because he makes you swoon. You would give anything to be his girlfriend - to have an official relationship. You think you would be good together.

And then he does exactly what you want - he asks you to be his girlfriend, or to move in together, or take another step towards full-fledged commitment. You're ecstatic, right? Now things will be great between you because he's committed. But then he continues with his same behavior patterns - whether he forgets to call, or he cancels on you at the last minute, or he gets angry and blames you for problems in his life, or he hangs out more with his friends than he does with you.

It's not exactly what you pictured, right?

While I'm not trying to be a downer, I think it's best to go into a relationship with open eyes. Notice the red flags first, especially how he treats you. Is he selfish, or stand-offish, or impulsive? These things can contribute to problems in your relationship, even after it's official.

It's easy to make excuses for your significant other when you want things to work out, like: "He's just busy at work," instead of admitting that he isn't really ready to commit to being in a relationship with someone and all it entails - including being upfront about one another's schedules and making time for each other. Or maybe you find yourself saying: "she needs a lot of down time to herself to recharge," instead of admitting that she's not putting the relationship first and prefers to keep things more casual and distant.

You want your SO to behave differently once you're in a relationship, but that's not realistic. People don't change their behavior without conscious effort on their part - not by you asking them to do something different. And, you have to really want to be in a relationship and understand the implications - that you make time and effort for another person. That it's no longer all about you.

Bottom line: Look for red flags and behavior patterns before jumping into a relationship, and recognize that it's about compromise and communication.