Can You be Friends with Your Ex?

Sometimes a break-up can make us feel like the world is crashing down around us. Maybe you dated your ex for a long time, or perhaps you had a deep friendship together and don't want to let that go. Have you thought about being friends, once you've gotten over the initial hurt?

I'm not an advocate of maintaining friendships with exes, mostly because emotions are often raw and vulnerable and old wounds can resurface easily. The more distance and time you can put between you and your ex, the easier your path to true healing and moving on. In some cases, a friendship will come after a broken heart, but often this isn't the case.

Here are some reasons why it's not a good idea to try and keep a platonic friendship going:

Someone was dumped. While some relationships come to an end through mutual agreement, often one person initiates it. The dumpee is usually the one feeling hurt and rejected, which makes every interaction with an ex that much harder to get over. Instead of trying to form a friendship with your ex if you were dumped, it's better to keep your distance and let time apart do the work. If you were the one doing the dumping, your ex could interpret your good intentions of being friends as trying to rekindle romantic interest. Don't go down that road.

Lingering romantic feelings. While you might tell yourself that your friendship can be platonic, that you're over him or her, this isn't always the case. Perhaps some part of you or your ex secretly wishes to get back together. Maybe you or your ex is hoping for the right moment alone together, so neither of you truly heals and moves on.

Dating other people. Sooner or later it's bound to happen - your ex starts posting pictures of his new girlfriend on Facebook. (You're still friends of course, so you have access to all his posts.) She is beautiful and they look very happy together. You thought you'd moved on, but this glaring new development has thrown you for a loop. Rather than put yourself in the awkward position of watching him move on before you've truly gotten over him, keep your distance. Don't be his Facebook friend, either. At the very least, filter his posts from your newsfeed.

Some ex-couples do manage to maintain friendships, but my advice is still to let time do the healing. Keep your distance. There's no need to call or invite him to your parties, or to check in with him and see what he's up to. Give yourself the time and space to move on - and allow him the same.