Rejection isn't easy to take, but dishing it out isn't a walk in the park either. Most of us aren't out to hurt feelings or break hearts, so when it comes time to let someone down gently, we really do want it to be gentle.
If you're unprepared to be asked out, your response can be awkward or unintentionally hurtful. If it's already happened, well, these tips won't help much. But keep them in mind so you can handle things like a pro next time.
- Obey the golden rule. Treat others how you would want to be treated. A “no” that sounds offended or disgusted is a harsh response. Unless the person is intentionally being offensive or disgusting, try to remember that it takes courage to approach someone and that they did so because they think highly of you. Keep your tone polite and calm, while still sounding assured.
- Don't drag it out. Although you do want to handle someone's feelings with care, honesty is the best policy. If you know you're not interested, say so swiftly and directly. Agreeing to a date out of pity, being unclear about your intentions, or remaining silent to avoid confrontation only lead to more hurt down the road. Give a definitive answer so both of you can move on with your lives.
- Make it about you. Yes, turning down a date really is an “It's not you, it's me” situation. If you choose to offer an explanation for your “no,” keep it focused on yourself. No one wants to hear a list of reasons why they don't measure up. Use "I" statements instead. Think “I don't feel that connection between us” or “I'm not looking to date someone right now.”
- Don't keep them on the hook. When you turn someone down, make sure they know it's final. It's important to be kind, but being overly sympathetic or friendly can backfire. Don't give hope when there's none there. It should be clear that your “no” isn't a “not right now” or “let's see where things go” or “keep trying until I say yes.”
When the conversation is happening online, the rules are a little different. Although kindness and clearness are both still encouraged, online dating offers more wiggle room. Most people reach out to as many possible dates as they can, so they're unlikely to be strongly invested in any single one.
If all they do is send you a “Hey or a “What's up?” a response probably isn't warranted at all. If they've written a more detailed message, a polite-but-firm sentence or two is all you need. Wish them good luck and call it a day.