A Lesson In Second Message Etiquette

Contributed by: ElyseRomano on Wednesday, May 07 2014 @ 06:51 am

Last modified on

Sometimes it feels like online dating involves more rules and regulations then meeting the Queen of England. There’s a little less bowing and way fewer “Your Majesty’s,” but on the whole online dating etiquette is totally insane. Just when you think it couldn't possibly get harder than dating someone in real life, the Internet swoops in and dumped a bunch of new rules on you.

There's no shortage of dating experts discussing the do's and don'ts of that pivotal first message, but that's where the communication advice tends to end. Unfortunately, that's also where a lot of the communication itself tends to end. You send a message, you never hear back, and that's it. Done. Finito. Fin. Game over.

That leaves a big question hovering in the air, one that could have a huge impact on what actually happens in your romantic life: is it ever okay to send a second message if you didn't get a response to the first?

The messages daters hear are seriously conflicting. On one hand, we are inundated with tales of (mostly) women who are sick and tired of overly persistent admirers. On the other hand, we're told to go after what we want and that persistence is rewarded. So which is it? Is no response a nonnegotiable snub, or is it possible for a suitor to score on a second try?

Speaking as someone who's typically on the receiving end of messages, there are several reasons someone might not respond:

  1. First, and most obviously, they might just not be that into you. A non-response does, in some situations, mean a polite “no.”
  2. On the other hand, maybe the person's dance card is temporarily too full. Online daters often juggle multiple suitors at once, which takes up a lot of mental bandwidth. Perhaps you just caught them at a bad moment, when they had neither the time nor the mental capacity to add another person to their schedule.
  3. On the other other hand, they might not yet be convinced that you're the one for them. A little pursuit – provided you actually have something interesting, engaging, and thoughtful to say – might be what it takes to move them off the fence and onto a date with you.
  4. On the other other other hand, it could be purely accidental. It's easy to see a message and forget to respond to it. We’re all busy and important (at least in our own heads), so it's hardly surprising that sometimes a message slips straight out of our minds.

Out of all the possible reasons for a message to go un-answered, only one is based on actual, unambiguous disinterest. The rest are all up for interpretation, so what does it hurt to send a follow-up? At worst nothing changes, and at best you might meet someone amazing.

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