Contributed by: Jet on Monday, April 11 2011 @ 08:13 am
Last modified on
At some point in our lives, most of learn that self-deprecation can be positive. A child might learn self-deprecating humor as a defense mechanism; hard to be picked on when you’re making jokes about yourself. Others might learn that self-deprecation is a good way to show humility; you don’t actually think you’re the best person for this job, but you continue to do the best you can.
However, in the world of online dating, where first impressions are text-based, self-deprecation falls into a category much like humor: it doesn’t translate well. Thus, many profiles simply aren’t at their best, because the author is attempting to use self-deprecation. And as for self-deprecating humor - well, it has two strikes against it.
The problem with both humor and self-deprecation is that we use other indicators besides just our words. We might be saying one thing - “Oh, my nose could replace the George Washington Bridge,” - but the twinkle in our eye, the quirk of our mouth, the tone of our voice, show that we aren’t taking ourselves seriously. However, if someone had only our words to rely upon, they couldn’t be certain that we weren’t seriously insecure about our nose.
Self-deprecation in online dating profiles shows up most commonly when we talk about our appearance. It’s not uncommon for physical characteristics, like weight, to be joked about - or attempted to be joked about, anyway. The problem is, whether you’re talking about your weight or downplaying your intelligence, you’re really saying “I don’t know why you’d want to date me anyway.” Even when you’re joking, it’s a statement that’s not very funny.
So how do you exude confidence without relying on self-deprecation to temper arrogance? Well, as they say in the writing business, “Show, don’t tell.” Facts are hard to argue with. Don’t say, “I’m the smartest person I know,” or “I’m not the top of my class or anything,” say, “I’m working on my doctorate.” Don’t say, “I know I’m overweight” or “You’re a moron if you look at numbers.” Instead, proudly display your confident, attractive default pictures that don’t hide your size.
It might take a little more editing, but it’s entirely possible to produce a happy, confident profile that doesn’t rely on self-deprecation. After all, the more mixed signals you send, the more likely it is that your message will get muddled. Keeping your profile clear and simple will let the real you shine through.