Contributed by: Jet on Friday, October 26 2012 @ 04:48 pm
Last modified on
Recently I was asked to look at a profile and see if I could come up with any tips for overhauling it completely. I gave it a peek, and was surprised; it wasn’t bad. Really not bad. In fact, I’d call it good.
I looked up, confused. “What’s the trouble with it?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Oh, you know. I just feel like it’s stagnating.”
I can understand that. After a certain point, the emails slow down to a trickle, it feels like everyone has seen your profile already, and you want to mix it up, maybe draw in new custom searches. “I see. So how have things been going for you?”
He shrugged again. “I’ve had several dates in the past few months. About the same as it’s always been.”
Perhaps I just have lowered expectations, but I don’t think a new date every few weeks is stagnating. And this was not a dropoff from some original high, either. Instead of a trickle, it sounds more like a steady stream.
My acquaintance was not suffering from a profile that needed help; instead, he was feeling at loose ends. He’d spent quite a bit of time tweaking his profile originally, and now he just wants to keep picking at it, even if it doesn’t need it.
Why? Well, maybe it’s because we feel like by improving our profile, we’re improving our chances at finding love. We feel more in control of the situation. It can be scary to think that some aspects have to be left up to chance, so we focus on the elements we have a say in - namely, the profile.
But at a certain point, it becomes wasted energy. Why mess with something that is not only deemed universally acceptable, but that is actually producing results?
There’s nothing wrong with freshening up your profile from time to time; in fact, it’s recommended! But if you find yourself with an urge to “fix” something that you know isn’t broken, consider a few alternatives:
If the profile has been bringing in sufficient interest, try focusing your energy on honing a different skill - writing that first email, making small talk. If a long-term relationship is what you’re seeking, try not to focus on the numbers, but rather look for progress in the duration of individual dates and relationships. Focus on the second date, on making a connection, on figuring out what you really want.
Understand that, ultimately, chance does play a role in finding love. Sometimes we all go through dry spells, and we don’t know everything about chemistry. You’re searching for a partner, not trying to create one out of a random person. Being more at peace with that can actually have a positive effect; you’ll be less anxious, less clouded with worry, and more able to determine if you actually are compatible.
So, instead of sitting down to pick at your profile once more, try taking a breath and diverting your energies elsewhere. Yes, it can be a difficult lesson to learn; but if spending time on other, more useful skills, whether it’s patience or the art of conversation, can only improve your relationships in the long run.