Contributed by: Jet on Tuesday, April 09 2013 @ 12:41 pm
Last modified on
“I’m having issues deciding which picture to use for my profile,” Amy said. She showed me a few options. Instead of the usual smiling face I’d seen on her social media pages, each of these options had the same pouty “duck face.”
“You’re making the same exact face in each one,” I observed.
“I know,” she sighed. “I just don’t know how to be... alluring. That’s the best I could come up with.”
“Hmm,” I said. “I know it’s counterintuitive, but I’m not sure alluring is what you should be going for here.”
Many people have the same instinct as Amy; they think that since they’re looking for someone with whom to have a physical relationship, they should emphasize that aspect of themselves. However, taking that path means you run the risk of miscommunication.
Think about it this way: almost everyone on an online dating website is there for a relationship that includes all the physical aspects. It pretty much goes without saying. However, many people are not on a dating site for the sole purpose of a physical relationship; they want to connect on an emotional and intellectual level, too. Physical compatibility - chemistry - is really only best determined in person anyway, so why waste the valuable space trying to make a facsimile? Instead, focusing on other aspects of your personality let the reader grow intrigued by your personality in addition to your appearance.
Just like everything else, what is “alluring” is quite subjective and subject to context. Amy’s pouty face might be attractive when she’s with someone with whom she shares chemistry, but it might look silly in the cold light of day. When men miss the “smoldering” mark it can look more like “scary.” A smile, on the other hand, is a more universal language, no matter what context.
Additionally, focusing too much on the physical might send the message that that’s all you’re looking for. If Amy had posted only her “duck-face” photos and concentrated on being “alluring,” chances are she would have received a bunch of messages from those looking for fast hookups. While that’s not a terrible thing, it’s not what Amy’s looking for - and now she might have a more difficult time attracting the attention of those who are looking for something long-term and deeper.
Instead of going for a physical response, try thinking about making the reader smile. Whether it’s a goofy photo, a silly anecdote, or a passionate paragraph about something you love, a smiling reader is already thinking more warmly about you. And that, in turn, gives you a boost when it comes to decisions like responding to emails or making a first date.
If Amy had published her “duck-face” photos, she would have been obscuring the real Amy, the one that would greet her date at her first meeting and most days thereafter. Don’t get so caught up in trying to appear attractive in one context that you actually mask the more attractive you.