Contributed by: kellyseal on Monday, May 14 2012 @ 09:16 am
Last modified on
A friend of mine recently told me that she's started to date a man who she enjoys spending time with, but isn't sure if she feels enough chemistry. "He's such a nice guy," she lamented. "I mean, I'm used to instant fireworks, but this is just kind of relaxing. I don't know if I should keep dating him. What if he's just really boring?"
I hear daters complain about this all the time. Movies have taught us that love at first sight and lots of drama in relationships are the real tests of chemistry and whether someone is right for us. Subtlety and patience never seem to be part of the equation.
You have to retrain your thought process about this if you really want to find the right person.
I couldn't tell my friend whether or not this man was right for her. After all, they just started dating - there is no way to tell with anyone until after she gets to know them. But I did tell her she should give him a chance without dismissing his nice guy qualities.
Some things to consider about your nice-but-maybe-boring man:
My rule of thumb is, instead of thinking about the qualities you want to find in another person, think about what kind of relationship you want to have. Do you want to feel respected, loved, supported, encouraged to pursue your dreams? Or do you want to alternate between feeling passion and utter confusion, not knowing where you stand or where the relationship is headed?
What have you put up with in the past? Were there men who didn't call you back, or who disappeared for weeks only to resurface with romantic gestures? Were there men you dated who didn't respect your thoughts, opinions, or who you wanted to be? A man who does this isn't looking for a relationship. He's consumed with his own issues and so can't support you in developing something real. If you want to break this pattern, try dating a different type of man - one who doesn't leave you questioning when he'll call or where you stand.
Nice does not equal boring. Nice guys don't show all their cards up front. Most people have some quirky likes or behaviors, or a passion or talent that can make a woman swoon. It just takes a while to get to know them. If you give a nice man a chance, he'll reveal himself to you.
So do yourself a favor - give that nice guy another opportunity and agree to a second or even third date. Don't just keep searching for drama and fireworks if it hasn't worked for you. Try something new.