Contributed by: kellyseal on Wednesday, March 13 2013 @ 04:39 pm
Last modified on
Maybe you're familiar with this scenario: You've been dating a great guy - you have loads of chemistry, he's smart and funny, and you get along well. But sometimes his behavior is a little unsettling, frustrating or confusing. Maybe he prefers to sit on the couch and play video games instead of looking for a new job. Or maybe he leans on you a lot for support financially or emotionally. Or maybe he drinks too often, or sometimes flirts way too much with other women.
You might think to yourself, "I know he's not perfect, but he's got so much potential! Some of his bad behavior results from his own insecurities. He doesn't know how wonderful he really is. But I can change him---I can show him how to be better!"
Sound familiar? It's easy to make excuses for someone and overlook bad behavior when you're in love. After all, you want to see all the positives. And if people can change, why not try to help?
The problem with this thinking is that you are the one trying to take control over the relationship, and in effect, over someone else. But this is impossible to do.
We can't control others. No matter how much you want to try to change someone, unless he wants to change himself, you won't get anywhere. It is not your responsibility (or decision) to decide how someone else conducts his or her life. It's not your job to be a savior. Each person is responsible for his own choices, his own mistakes, and his own trajectory in life.
So what does this mean when you're dating? How can you reach a mutual state of love and respect when the relationship seems so clearly one-sided, with you always coming to the rescue or tolerating his bad behavior? You don't want to be taken advantage of, and you want him to change.
The bad news is, after all of your efforts to try to change someone else, you can only change yourself. The good news is that you do have complete control over yourself. This means you can decide when (and how much) you let your boyfriend's needs or problems take over.
Instead of hassling him about getting a job or drinking less, ask yourself what you're getting out of the relationship, and if you're willing to stay in it if things are the same a year from now, or five years from now. If the thought fills you with dread, then maybe it's time to reevaluate your relationship and decide whether or not he's right for you.
Bottom line: Don't expect others to change. You can't "fix" someone else. So instead, communicate your expectations for the relationship: your wants, needs, and desires, and see if you both can come to an understanding to support each other. If not, maybe it's time to move on.