Contributed by: kellyseal on Monday, August 29 2011 @ 09:01 am
Last modified on
Recently, a reader asked for advice about a girl he was interested in dating. They were acquaintances and had known each other through work for a few months. He decided to ask her out for drinks one night, and they hit it off. Three hours later, they decided to do it again the next night. Then he invited her to an art opening the following Friday.
"Oh, I'd love to," she said, excited. "I'll tell my boyfriend we can see a movie another night."
He was floored. Boyfriend? Why hadn't this come up in the conversation before? And why had she agreed to go out in the first place and let him pay for her drinks? He was confused because she was sending mixed signals, and he thought his intentions were clear that he wanted to date her. He had no idea that she wasn't single. Could he un-invite her to the art opening?
While I'm a big fan of honesty in dating, this seems to be a clear case of miscommunication. In response, I have a couple of suggestions so that people (single and in relationships) can be more aware and respectful of other people's feelings.
State your intentions. This might sound old fashioned, but at least when you say what you want up front there's no ambiguity. "I find you very attractive" or "I'd like to take you out on a date" is a pretty clear indication that you want to be more than friends."Wanna grab a drink after work?" or "we should hang out sometime" leaves things too vague.
If you have a girlfriend/ boyfriend, say so. You may think a co-worker who invites you to dinner is just a friend, but does he feel the same? Instead of keeping things elusive, just let him know upfront that you're involved. This way, there are no mixed messages.
Don't let someone else pay for you if it's not a date. This is a big-time party foul. If someone invites you out and you're not interested romantically, at least offer to split the bill. It's best to be honest and let them know your feelings or that you don't consider it a date. If you allow the other person pick up the check, you are sending mixed signals whether you intended to or not.
Don't assume. Just because you share a few drinks with someone, don't assume you're on a date. Again, I feel honesty is best. Let the other person know you're interested.
Don't play games. If you are going out with someone but want to "test the waters" with other people, this isn't fair to the people who ask you out and are looking for a relationship. If you want to date someone, then make sure you're unattached before you do.