Contributed by: ElyseRomano on Friday, October 05 2012 @ 08:15 am
Last modified on
If you've tuned into any sitcoms lately, you probably think the male breakup looks something like this: dump/get dumped, shrug shoulders, get drunk, go home with as many new women as possible.
Sure, that's the story for some men, but is it the story for all men? Or even the majority of men?
If you ask Brian Alexander, co-author of The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction, the answer is a definite no. According to Brian, breakups are actually tougher for men than they are for women.
He cites a neurochemical called vasopressin as the reason men have more trouble moving on. Thanks to vasopressin, Alexander explains in a Glamour article[*1] , "men in crisis are more likely to see other men as less approachable." On the other hand, "that same chemical cues women to see other women as more approachable."
What that means is that when a woman is at her most vulnerable, other women are moved to engage in "tend-and-befriend behavior." Women console other women after a breakup ("You deserve so much better," "He was a jerk," "You're way too hot for him," etc.), making it much easier to deal with the end of the relationship. Men lack that kind of social support from their male friends, forcing them to deal with the breakup alone.
Another reason breakups are more difficult for men, says Alexander, is that they regard their lover as their emotional home. The release of vasopressin and oxytocin during sex connects a man with his partner, causing him to form "a bond with [her] that's kind of like an animal claiming a home; [her] scent, [her] eye color, even [her] apartment all become cues that make him crave [her]."
The release of vasopressin also causes men to view their partners as their "territory." It's certainly not PC, but it's a biologically-rooted instinct that men can't suppress. Add the effects of vasopressin together and it's no wonder so many men have a hard time letting go!
With their emotional anchors gone, Alexander writes, men can become "emotionally homeless." It can be so bad, in fact, that some men suffer severe health consequences after a split. Studies have shown that divorced men have lower immune function than married men. Divorced men are also are statistically more likely than divorced women to be hospitalized or die at a younger age.
So do men have it harder than women when it comes to breakups? They just might.