Contributed by: EFoley on Saturday, February 20 2010 @ 08:30 am
Last modified on
"I'd never date someone who ___________!"
What do you fill into that blank? Here are some examples of dealbreakers that I've encountered in my time as an online dating coach. My clients (and others I've read about in the many dating blogs I read daily) have said these are their dealbreakers:
...and the list could go on and on and on.
Lists like these are fine when you're in your 20s and the pool of available singles is teeming with potential mates. But as you get to that age where all of your friends are getting married and popping out babies and buying houses (and I know it well because I just turned 30 this year and it's exactly where I am - my Facebook news feed is full of other people's wedding, new house, and baby pics!), well... when you get to be in that zone, your pickins start to get slimmer.
That's when you have to start thinking hard about which dealbreakers are actually really important to your core values. For example, when I was dating in my 20s, I would not date a guy who had previously been married. In my head, I thought I wanted to be "THE ONE" for the guy I married, not "The Second One." Nowadays, I realize that isn't a big deal and if I were single I'd be open to dating a guy who was divorced.
Education was also a big thing for me - I wanted to date a guy who was nerdy, geeky, book smart. Someone with at least a B.A./B.S. Then I met my current boyfriend, who is very smart, but due to some family crises, was unable to finish his B.A. until he was in his late 20s. Now I'm realizing that old dealbreaker was pretty stupid.
There are dealbreakers I do keep. For example, my religious views do not mesh with certain other religious views. Same for political (although I mostly keep out of politics, there are some political issues that rile me up). I'm also childfree and while I'd be open to dating someone who had a child, I'm more comfortable dating someone who share my lifestyle.
Take a long, hard look at your dealbreakers - especially if you're 30+, especially if you've been striking out with online dating. I'll write another post on how to slowly stretch your boundaries so you don't feel overwhelmed. Be open to new things and you'll never know who you might meet!