“I can’t believe I’m actually doing this!”

“I like long walks on the beach and holding hands.”

“I’m the funniest person you’ll ever meet!”

“I don’t really know what to say about myself.”

At some point while describing yourself in your profile, you might be tempted to include online dating clichés like these. My advice, should you find yourself in this grave situation, is simple: don’t do it. Resist the urge with all your might. Walk away from the computer and have a stiff drink to calm your nerves, if that’s what it takes to withstand the siren song of the cliché.

There are so many problems with using these clichés that I could probably write an entire novel on the subject, but to save you from wasting time on that tome – time you should be using to craft a good, platitude-free profile – I’ve compiled this, my Quick and Dirty Guide to Online Dating Clichés.

Let’s start with the four I’ve already mentioned:

• Writing things like “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this!” or “My friends forced me to join this site” sends the not-so-flattering message that you think online dating is for losers and weirdoes. Do you really want your future dates to think that’s your opinion of them?
• “I like long walks on the beach and holding hands.” Yawn. I bet you like candlelit dinners, having fun, and hanging out with your friends, too. Stereotypical romance will not win over online admirers, nor will mentioning that you enjoy activities that everyone enjoys.
• “I’m the funniest person you’ll ever meet!” Or smartest. Or craziest. Or whatever. If you’re going to make a claim that big, you’d better be able to back it up. Or better yet, just don’t do it in the first place. At least 10 of the other profiles your potential date just viewed claimed the same thing.
• You might think that “I don’t really know what to say about myself” or “I’m not very good at writing this kind of thing” shows off your modesty, but all it’s really doing is showing off your insecurity.

Are you starting to get the picture? Here are a few more of the Internet’s most popular dating clichés:

• “If you want to hear more, just ask!” They won’t, trust me.
• “I LOVE life.” As opposed to…what, exactly?
• “I have a great sense of humor” or “I’m looking for someone who can make me laugh.” Humor is an admirable quality, but it’s painfully overused in online dating profiles. Instead of declaring that you’re funny, write a funny profile. Instead of writing that you’re looking for someone with a good sense of humor, write about what kind of humor makes you laugh so hard you can’t breathe.
• Steer clear of “There isn’t enough room here to sum up my life!” An essay of Homeric proportions almost always follows. It’s not cute.

Want to hear more? Just ask!